


君と… Milky Way

by orphan_account



Category: B.I.Shadow, Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr., Sexy Zone
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-10 16:16:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We used to be B.I. Shadow, the perfect Junior group, predestinated to debut. We had everything we needed: talent, passion, and a bond stronger than any of our Senpai had… But those kisses, on that rainy day in Shizuoka, were the start of our ending.”<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. After the Rain (1)

Yugo’s POV

“I’m serious, Nakajima, one more word and I’ll let you sleep in the garage!”

Kento glared at Hokuto at those words, and Fuma and I caught eyes. I tried hard to gulp down my laughter. Fuma, though, did not manage to, and burst into a hysterical fit of giggles, making the people on the seat next to us look at us indignantly, and Hokuto hushing him with a bright grin on his face.

To be honest, I could not even remember about what Hokuto’s and Kento’s bickering had started in Tokyo, when we had stepped into the train, but now, one stop before Shizuoka, Hokuto’s home town which we had meant to visit together, the war had escalated into a straight out teasing battle.

Not that I was complaining. It kept me entertained.

“Seriously, there you invite us over to your house, saying something about we deserve some rest after all the exam stress, and then you want to let your guests sleep in the garage? I will tell the fans, Matsumura!” Kento threatened, pursing his lips.

“Your fans know you best, they will understand immediately that you and your big mouth brought it onto yourself!” Fuma grinned. Hokuto held out his hand for a high five, which Fuma gladly accepted.

“You two are really getting on my nerves!” Kento groaned, narrowing his eyes. “You wait! You’ll pay for your words later! No one teases Nakajima Kento!”

“Yes, yes, I know you’re the best thing since sliced bread, or something equal to a god or something” Hokuto recited in a bored tone, rolling his eyes. “You tell us about twice a day.”

“That’s it, I’m not your friend” Kento pouted, turning away from both Hokuto and a giggling Fuma, leaning into me. “Next time you come to me pleading for help with your papers, I’ll turn you down. I’m only Yugo’s friend.”

“Who said I’m your friend?” I challenged, but was ignored.

“Well, the better, one mouth less to feed tonight” Hokuto shrugged, rising from his seat as the train staff announced our arrival in Shizuoka. “Feel free to take the next train back to Tokyo.”

“Yugo!” Kento whined, clinging to my arm, keeping me from getting up, too. “They are mean to me!”

“I’ll give you my left over snickers bar so you don’t starve” I offered generously. “And lend you my jacket for the garage.”

“See? He’s nice!” Kento pointed out to Hokuto, who just laughed in return.

Despite the bickering, I could tell that everyone was in their highest spirits, including myself. We had just finished (and hopefully passed) all of our end-of-term exams, and additionally finished all of our photo shoots and interviews for the month, because of which Johnny had granted us a free extended weekend. Hokuto’s parents had provided the rest, giving us the allowance to use their house in Shizuoka as a group getaway, which had ended in us packing our things and getting into the next best train westwards, out of busy Tokyo.

As soon as I had gotten into the train together with Fuma, Hokuto and Kento, I had already been able to feel the stress of the last few weeks falling off my shoulders – for some reasons, these guys always managed to make me relax. It should be the other way around, I figured – we were band mates, and being with them should always remind me of work, but no, I was one of the lucky individuals whose band mates turned out to be their best friends, in the end.

So I was more than ecstatic, to spend this weekend away with them, and it seemed like everyone felt that way, despite the way Hokuto and Kento were biting each other’s heads off. Or even despite the rain, which came pouring down on us the minute we stepped foot out of the Shizuoka station, resulting in the four of us all squeezing under Fuma’s tiny umbrella, and Kento’s elbow landing painfully in my rips when he tried to aim for Hokuto.

Luckily, Hokuto’s house was actually not that far from the city center, so after a short ride with the subway and a stop at the next Family Mart to grab Karaage for everyone, we already found ourselves at the gate to the Matsumura’s garden.

“Here” Hokuto said hurriedly, squeezing the keys into my hands and pulling his jacket over his head. “I’ll just get the post. You can already go inside.”

“Wait, I’ll help you!” Fuma called after Hokuto, pushing the umbrella at Kento before running after him.

I caught Kento’s eyes, and I could just make out the mysterious glimpse in them before he snatched the keys out of my hand and ran for the door. I hurried after him, keen on staying under the umbrella, and next thing I knew, we were inside the corridor, and Kento had locked the door behind us.

“Um… What are you doing?” I asked with a frown, raising an eyebrow at Kento’s wide grin.

“Revenge, my dear, is sweet” he said affectionately, wiggling the keys in his hands. “So much to letting me sleep in the garage.”

“You realize that it’s pouring outside?” I pointed out.

“Yes” he shrugged. “But 5 minutes in the rain won’t kill them. Plus, this is the perfect opportunity to play matchmaker.”

“Matchmaker?” I gaped at him, wondering if it was only me that had sometimes difficulties with understanding how Kento’s brain worked, or if it was a common phenomenon. “I don’t think I get you.”

“Oh come on, don’t tell me you have not noticed the tension between Hokuto and Fuma!” Kento scoffed, rolling his eyes at me. “They scream ‘Akame in their best years’, only without all the angst to them!”

I kept quiet, silently agreeing. I had tried to politely ignore it whenever I had been a spectator of Hokuto’s and Fuma’s intense staring battles, or their awkward moments when they accidentally reached for the same objects and touched hands in the progress. Or how they would immediately lose interest in all their surroundings as soon as the other entered the room, resulting in me or Kento probably being able to dance a naked Seishun Amigo without them even as much as looking at us.

Of course I had noticed. It was hard not to. Still…

“How exactly is letting them stand outside in the rain going to help that matter?” I asked the more obvious question.

“Oh, it will, trust me” Kento smirked. “I know my romance stuff.”

“Just because you are a flirtative bitch it doesn’t mean you are Hitch the Date Doctor” I reminded him, but he did not even listen to me, distracted when Hokuto and Fuma started knocking at the door.

“Kento!” Hokuto called exasperatedly, making Kento grin in such an evil way that for the first time, I understood why Yamada-Senpai called him “as cunning as Chinen”. “This is so not funny! Open up!”

Kento just chuckled and grabbed my wrist, pulling me further into the house.

“Come on” he breathed to me. “Let’s watch the show!”

***

Hokuto’s POV

“I can’t believe it!” I groaned, banging one last time against the door loudly, knowing already that Kento would not open. “This little devil! I swear, as soon as I get into the house, I will strangle him with his own Hey! Say! JUMP towel! Let’s see how he likes that!”

“The main point being ‘getting into the house’” Fuma murmured, shuddering.

I took a good look at him; his hair was already sticking to his face from the rain, and his white T-Shirt was soaked through and almost transparent, clinging to his torso. I gulped down all unbidden thoughts at his disheveled appearance, instead focusing on the way he was shivering slightly from the cold.

Thinking quickly, I grabbed his hand and pulled him across the garden, towards the old tree house my father had build with me when I had been 8. It was old and surely not isolated all that well, but it was better than nothing, and the key for the garage was inside with Kento and Yugo. I urged Fuma to climb up before me, making sure to keep a watch on him on his way up in case he slipped (I did not trust the old ladder that much) before climbing up after him.

As I had thought, the interior of the tree house was already mostly damp from the rain, but at least it held off most of the bigger drops, which was a plus compared to the open sky.

I shot a short look at Fuma, seeing him sneeze discreetly. I sighed; I knew that Fuma had just recovered from a cold. Very smart, Kento, seriously.

“Here” I murmured, removing my own jacket without thinking much about it. It was not exactly dry, either, but at least it had kept me from looking like a wet poodle, which was the style Fuma was displaying at the moment.

“No, really, it’s okay” Fuma groaned in embarrassment, struggling with me for a moment when I tried to throw the jacket over his shoulder, resulting in me losing my balance and slipping dangerously close towards the makeshift gate of the tree house.

I closed my eyes, anticipating the fall. Instead, I felt two strong arms around my waist, holding onto me tightly, and a wet chest colliding with mine.

When I opened my eyes again, I found myself nose to nose with Fuma, his full lips so close that I could feel his breath on my own.

“Sorry” Fuma whispered, out of breath.

I only nodded, apparently having lost all ability to speak. I caught myself staring right into Fuma’s eyes, which I could only see a little blurry because of the closeness, but still managed to find oddly captivating.

But that was nothing new, really. I had found everything about Fuma captivating recently. Captivating and a terrible lot of other embarrassing adjectives.

_Over the roof_ _そう_ _かすかにほら_ _?_ _闻こえる雨音_ _  
(Over the roof, can you hear the faint sound of the rain?)_

Fuma did not let go of me, instead just staring back at me, as if he had frozen. Only that I could feel his rapid heartbeat right against my chest.

***

Yugo’s POV

“See?!” Kento called triumphantly, leaning over my shoulder to stare out of the window, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on inside the tree house. “Am I a genius or not?!”

“Wait until Hokuto finds out that we are spying on them at such an important moment” I murmured, trying hard to ignore the way Kento’s scent filled my lungs, making it hard to breathe, suddenly. I would tell him to change his perfume, but I was not sure that was the entire reason.

“Oh please, they should be thankful to me!” Kento pointed out. “I am helping them along! Without my help, they would still act like little middle school girls!”

I did not answer, only gulping as I was too aware of Kento’s fingers unintentionally tracing the skin of my throat as his arm lay loosely around my shoulder, and trying hard to focus on Fuma’s and Hokuto’s too close to each other’s lips instead of Kento’s right next to me.

_Under the roof_ _寄り添ったまま_ _窓辺に_ _waiting for sunshine  
(Under the roof, snuggled close to each other, at the window waiting for sunshine)_

***

Hokuto’s POV

When Fuma had still not moved after another 10 seconds of silence, I began to feel a little awkward. I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, Fuma’s hands had suddenly tightened their grip around me, and, in sudden determination, he had moved his face forward, closing the gap between us.

I did hardly comprehend it, when his lips landed on mine. All I felt was the wetness of the rain and a light shiver down his spine, if from the cold or something else, I did not know, before Fuma moved away again.

He looked at me questioningly, and when I did not react immediately, he looked shattered, as if his worst fear had become confirmed. It clawed at my heart to watch the change in his eyes.

“Sorry” he murmured, hastily letting go of me, but my hands flew to his shoulders, keeping him in place.

“No!” I murmured quickly, without thinking. Fuma blinking, catching my eyes hesitantly.

I had always thought that Fuma had the most beautiful eyes.

“Don’t be sorry” I whispered, and, without allowing myself to doubt anymore, I leaned forward, closing the distance between us once more, for another kiss, this time longer, long enough so that I could actually feel Fuma’s lips moving against mine.

 _Like the sky…_ _君は言うんだ_ __  
(Like he sky… you are saying)  
Flyin high… _止まない雨はな_ _い_ _  
_ _(Flyin high… There is no rain that doesn’t stop)_

When we broke apart again, it was only enough so that Fuma could murmur: “I like you, Hokuto. Already for a while… I…”

“Me too” I whispered, unable to keep the smile from my lips. “Me too, Fuma.”

And quickly, I kissed him again, before he could sputter out any more nonsense.

***

Yugo’s POV

I quickly adverted my eyes as Fuma and Hokuto started kissing, feeling like I was watching something too intimidate for other people to see.

The only problem was that, as soon as I was not looking at the pair in the tree house anymore, all that was left for me to focus my eyes on was the guy sitting next to me, or better, leaning onto me.

I gulped as I raised my eyes to his face, and was met with dark eyes staring down at me in turn.

There was an eerie silence, and embarrassed, I blurted out: “Sh-should we maybe let them back in? I mean, it must be uncomfortable, to make out on a tree house, and I bet now they are even too busy to kill you.”

Kento did not answer immediately, and I quickly shut my mouth before any more nonsense came out, and then Kento said, his voice low and smoldering: “I have a better idea.”

I gulped, not knowing if I would like what he had to propose.

“And that would be?”

“Now that we took care of their sexual tension” he murmured, his face descending towards mine, until our noses were touching softly. “How about we take care of ours?”

And with that, he closed the last bit of distance between us, too, and caught my lips with his.

And my brain was shot.

_You used to tell me, ‘Imagine… Imagine that.”_


	2. After the Rain (1)

Yugo’s POV

Kento’s lips brushed against mine in a manner that made my hair stand at the back of my throat, and his tongue licked softly between my lips, making me open them almost automatically to grant him access. Kento was a good kisser, no questioning that. I tried to tell myself that this was the only reason why I melted against him, returning the kiss.

I felt Kento’s tongue fluttering against mine, making me moan low in my throat, and making him tighten his grip around me in response, arm around my shoulder pulling me flush against Kento’s chest, and his hand knotting in my hair. All I could do was cling to his shirt while he took the lead in our kiss, which was turning more and more into a make-out session, pushing me right where he wanted me.

I found it strangely hot, if I allowed myself to admit it.

Kento began to lean backwards, maybe trying to change our position again, when he bumped into something with his elbow. He broke our kiss to mock-glare at Hokuto’s desk when my brain came jumping back to attention, waving flags in sign of not being dead, after all.

Accordingly, a flash of panic came setting in. Quickly, I disentangled myself from Kento’s grip, making him look at me questioningly. All I said, though, was: “We should let Hokuto and Fuma back in. They will be freezing to death otherwise.”

Without giving Kento the chance to return anything, I got up and fled for the door.

***

Fuma’s POV

I did not feel the coldness of my skin, or my wet clothes, or the freezing wind. All I felt was Hokuto’s hands on the skin of my neck, and the warmth his body radiated, and his kisses.

I had dreamt about kissing Hokuto a lot of times, fantasized about it even in the most inappropriate moments, but this, this was better than anything my imagination could ever come up with, even despite the fact that we were locked out in a pour down and threatening to catch the colds of our life.

Hokuto pulled me in one more time to get the best out of our kiss before moving away, making me whimper in protest. He chuckled, before whispering: “I think I heard the door open?”

“Really?” I asked, opening my eyes with a frown, flashing a look towards the entrance door. I had not heard anything, too engaged into what Hokuto was doing with me, but sure enough, the door stood open, and Yugo peaked outside, seeming slightly hesitant and flushed, maybe unsure if he should really interrupt us.

I wondered, for a moment, if I should be feeling embarrassed about the position Yugo had found us in, but my insides were too busy doing some kind of victory dance to really care.

“Don’t you want to come in?” Yugo called, smiling sheepishly. “If you haven’t noticed, it’s raining!”

Hokuto let out something between a groan and a string of muttered curses before letting go of me completely, reaching for the ladder to climb down. I followed him leisurely, deciding to leave the revenge part up to Hokuto. He was better at that than me.

When I reached the front door of the house, Hokuto was already snapping at Yugo, who held his hands up in innocence, stating: “It was not my idea.”

Of course, all of us knew that this was true. So our eyes directed to Kento, as he came climbing down the stairs, seeming more relaxed than he should, considering Hokuto’s angry glare. If I had been him, I would have already been running – I had seen Hokuto at a Karate tournament once. I would not want his wrath against me.

At least, Kento had the decency to hide behind Yugo when he finally reached us, announcing hastily: “You should be thankful to me.”

“Oh, please enlighten me, before I throw you out into the rain myself” Hokuto groaned sarcastically. “In what universe am I going to be thankful to you for locking me out of my own house?!”

“Well, you finally managed to get it on with Fuma!” Kento shrugged, making my blush at his bluntness. “And we all know you have been waiting for that for ages!”

“If you wanted to help us along, you could have done that differently” Hokuto murmured, his voice smaller now, the way it became when he was embarrassed. “Like calling us out on our feelings. Or at least locking us into a dry room.”

“But that would have been no fun” Kento shrugged, continuing, before Hokuto snapped back at him: “But instead of holding hate tirades against me, don’t you want to let your boyfriend take a hot shower or something? I mean, I faintly remember something about him having had that cold until recently…”

“How considerate of you” Hokuto said ironically, and Kento just grinned.

“Now, off into the shower, you two!” Kento demanded authoratively, and Hokuto opened his mouth to say something like: “We’re not done yet!”, but I interrupted him halfway, putting my arm around Hokuto’s shoulder and murmuring sweetly: “If you ask us so nicely. I hope you have fun imagining what we’ll be doing in the shower together.”

Everyone fell silent at my words, and I enjoyed the dumb look on Kento’s face a lot when I passed him, dragging a stunned Hokuto after me. I found the bathroom quickly, and when I closed the door behind us, I could hear Kento call out: “Oh god, now that picture is stuck in my head! Ewww! Gross!”

I laughed loudly as I leaned against the door, satisfied with my work. Only after a moment, I noticed Hokuto looking at me hesitantly.

“What? Come on, his face was totally worth it!” I chuckled.

“It was” he agreed slowly. “But… You realize that we have to really take a shower together now, right?”

I blinked, my eyes becoming wide in realization.

“Oh shit, I did not think about that” I murmured, blushing a dark red, adverting my eyes from Hokuto’s stare. “Sorry” I murmured shyly.

There was a moment of silence between us, before Hokuto whispered: “If you don’t have a problem with that, I don’t, either.”

I looked up at Hokuto, my heart racing in my chest. We caught eyes, and then, Hokuto crossed the distance between us to pull me into another kiss.

***

Yugo’s POV

“Oh god, now that picture is stuck in my head!” Kento called out, leaning his forehead against my shoulder. “Ewww! Gross!”

I could hear Fuma laugh in the bathroom, but could hardly care less about their little games now. In my head, the scene of the kiss with Kento was on repeat, and the alarm bells went wild, now that we were alone again.

I quickly disentangled myself from Kento and murmured: “I’m going up to unpack!” Without waiting for a response, I grabbed my bag and stormed up the stairs.

I only had a few moments, though, to regain my composure before Kento followed after me. I could feel his presence even before his arms found their way around my waist, making me drop my bag to the floor.

“Why are you running from me?” Kento asked simply, his voice low and smoldering. I had known that he had a nice voice, but had it always been this… appealing?

“I’m not running” I returned, my own voice calmer than I felt. Maybe I was a usable actor, after all.

“Good” Kento stated, before his lips brushed my neck, making me gasp. “Because I’m not done with you yet.”

And then, he began to suck at the skin he found, and my resistance melted as I leaned against his chest.

***

Fuma’s POV

I moaned as Hokuto’s hand found its way under my soaked T-Shirt, feeling like fire on my frozen skin.

“You are ice cold” Hokuto whispered against my lips. “You should really get out of these clothes, and under the hot spray.”

I still did not feel very cold, maybe warmed up from all the kisses and touches, but before I could even say a word of protest, Hokuto had already started to lift up my shirt, and all I could do was lift my arms to help him.

I felt slightly uncomfortable, under Hokuto’s stare, but when his hands went for the zipper of my jeans right away, I pulled him in for another kiss, trying not to let the nervousness settle in my stomach.

***

Yugo’s POV

I had no idea how we had ended up on Hokuto’s bed, but I guess I could be thankful that it was a soft surface instead of the floor or a wall. Kento was hovering above me, kissing me in a way that made me forget all my surroundings, and the fact that I should be opposed to doing this with one of my band mates.

Only when Kento’s hands brushed my nipple under my shirt, making me moan and buck my hips against his, brushing our erections together through our jeans, it was hard to care. Kento grinded down against me, before his hand traveled down between us, finding the zipper of my jeans.

My fist closed around the sheets underneath us, and I prayed inwardly that I would not regret this later.

***

Fuma’s POV

I moaned in surprise as the hot spray hit my shoulders, making me realize how cold I had really been feeling. I shivered, and Hokuto’s palms stroked over my skin, as if trying to bring me additional warmth.

“You don’t know how long I wanted to touch you like this” Hokuto whispered, making me open my eyes, but when I did, he was not looking at me, instead having tilted his head to kiss the skin where my neck met my shoulder.

I could only cling to his back, feeling his hands travel lower, until they were squeezing my butt. I was painfully aware of my erection being only centimeters away from his, close enough to touch if I reached out, but all I could do was shiver as Hokuto’s tongue licked over my skin.

***

Yugo’s POV

I moaned helplessly as Kento kissed down my stomach, his hands having pulled down my pants and underwear enough so that his fingers could close around my erection, stroking it gently. A shudder went through my whole body.

Despite the intense pleasure that was running through my veins, I could not help myself but ask, finally: “Are we really going to do this?” When there was no immediate response from Kento, who was too busy dipping his tongue into my belly button, I murmured, a little louder: “Kento?”

“Don’t tell me you’re not enjoying this?” Kento challenged, his hand twisting around me as he looked up at me, making me close my eyes in pleasure.

“That’s not it” I panted. “But-“

“Stop thinking” he demanded, and before I could return anything more, he moved down the last bit and had engulfed my erection with his mouth.

With that, he reached at least his goal to make me unable to think any further.

***

Fuma’s POV

Hokuto and I were panting into each other’s mouth as we were stroking each other. My right hand was tangled in his hair as my other went up and down his erection, while his copied my actions on my own, with one arm slung around my waist to steady my hips.

Fair enough, because I felt more than a little shaky.

Hokuto bit down on my lip as I massaged the head of his hard-on, not enough to draw blood, but enough so that the sensation stung on my skin. He whispered my name so sensually that it made me shiver before indulging me into another kiss.

I felt closer the more his fingers touched me. The feelings it evoked, together with the hot water pouring onto us, was amazing. Occasionally, our hands would brush between our bodies, and I had to stop the irrational urge to reach out for it and entwine our fingers.

***

Yugo’s POV

Kento’s tongue rolled against my erection in his mouth while his fingers moved inside of me, making me tremble uncontrollably. At first, when he had started fingering my back entrance, it had hurt, even if I had tried to gulp it down, but by now, I did not feel any pain anymore. I whimpered as his fingers brushed that spot inside of me, making me feel too close to bear, and exactly in that moment, Kento moved away altogether.

I lay there panting, needing a moment until I could open my eyes, but when I did, Kento had removed his own pants and moved up to me. I could feel his head poking my entrance, and closed my eyes again quickly, afraid of any nervousness showing in them for Kento to see. Because even if he had surely done this before, and not only once, from all I knew, I hadn’t.

But all my doubts were erased as Kento entwined our fingers and kissed me gently before pushing into me.

***

Fuma’s POV

“I’m close” I whispered, hiding my face into the crook of Hokuto’s neck, my wet hair clinging to the skin of his shoulder.

“Me too” I heard Hokuto say, and his movements sped up, making me quiver.

I came first, muffling my moans against his skin, and when my grip tightened around him in response to my own orgasm, he followed after me.

We clung to each other, our breathing slowly returning to normal as the hot water continued pouring down on us.

“I love you” I murmured, not being able to help myself – I knew that it was mushy and fast but I just needed to say it. I was that kind of too emotional guy.

And it seemed that Hokuto knew that, because I felt him grin against the skin of my shoulder before he turned his head, kissing my temple and murmuring: “I love you, too.”

***

Yugo’s POV

I clung to the skin of Kento’s back, probably digging my fingernails too hard into his skin and creating marks, but I could not pay it enough mind to care as Kento’s thrusts continued hitting me just right, making my limbs feel like jelly. Holding onto Kento, on the other hand, seemed strangely grounding – he was strong and all hard lines and exactly what I needed to reassure me that I was not fading away from the feelings.

Kento’s grip on my hand tightened, too, and his thrusts sped up, making me unable to breath from the intensified pleasure.

And then I came, my too loud moans muffled by Kento’s kisses, who followed me only seconds after, resting his whole weight onto me as he tried to regain his strength. Luckily, Kento had never been very heavy, so I did not mind much.

We lay there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, listening to our heartbeats calming down, before Kento murmured, lazily: “We should get dressed, before they come out again and find us like this.”

I chuckled weakly, whispering: “If they are smart, they are taking their time.”

Kento laughed, shaking his head before sitting up, saying in mock shock: “What have I done? I spoiled our Yugo. Hokuto is going to kill me when he finds out.”

I just laughed, feeling lighter than I probably should, somehow.

***

When we met with Fuma and Hokuto downstairs to warm our Karaage and eat them, no one lost a word about what each couple had done while the other one was absent. With the only difference that Kento and I could very well imagine it, while Fuma and Hokuto did not have the slightest clue.

And maybe it was better that way.

“Can you two already stop cuddling?!” Kento demanded in annoyance as we had settled down around the Kotatsu in the living room, our feet hidden under the warm blanket, and Fuma leaning comfortably against Hokuto. “Get a room, seriously!”

“Well, technically, you are in my house” Hokuto murmured good-humoredly. “So get a room yourself.”

I did not pay much attention to Kento’s snippy answer, instead looking out of the window, where the rain had cleared now, showing a perfect sunset. The scenery was peaceful, reflecting how I felt inside.

あの日 见上げてたのは 雨上がりのSKY  
(That day we looked at the sky after the rain)

“Yugo, what are you thinking?” Fuma asked in amusement, breaking me out of my trace to look at him. Even Hokuto and Kento stopped bickering to look at me.

“Nothing much” I chuckled, shaking my head.

“You look happy” Fuma noted, observing my face.

“I am” I nodded, shrugging. “Somehow, I feel motivated, now that all the stress of the exams is over. Next year is gonna be a good year.”

“You think we are finally going to debut?” Hokuto asked, smiling as he ran his hands through Fuma’s hair.

“Of course we are!” Kento scoffed. “Johnny can’t let us wait another year, we are too good for that.”

“I‘d like to have your self confidence” Fuma chuckled, shaking his head.

“I have enough for all of us” Kento noted generously. “You will see, I, as the leader, am going to see to it that we debut. End of story.”

We just laughed at him, though a part of me kind of hoped that I could just take him up on his words. That I could trust Kento and ourselves to make it all happen.

君とふたり 辉いて见えた未来  
(We saw a shining future together)

I saw Fuma lean back against Hokuto happily, and Hokuto observing his face fondly. If I had not felt that happy for those two, I would have felt jealous for what they had.

But when I felt Kento’s hand searching for mine under the blanket, entwining our fingers, I could not bring myself to ponder about it for long.

There was no use in thinking too much about it. If it was supposed to happen, it would.

ひとり 见上げてるのも 雨上がりのSKY  
(Alone, I am still looking at the sky after the rain)

That was what I thought back then. I was young, naïve and optimistic. I thought that with the mere power of trust and friendship, we could make everything happen.

But the world is not like that. The world is a cruel and harsh place that will challenge you with the hardest situations.

And that was something we still had to learn.

Still, I can’t help myself other than thinking back of those days as my happiest, wondering if maybe, we could not have worked it out differently, if we had known what would come.

降り止まないんだ 止んだはずの あのメロディー  
(That melody won’t stop, though it should have by now)


	3. 夏の名前　(1)

Hokuto’s POV

„Have I ever mentioned that I love our job?!“ Kento sighed happily as he stretched himself, looking out over the sea in front of us.

“You say that now, when the photographer fell sick and we have the day off to stroll around on Okinawa” Yugo chuckled, looking at him. “Wait till we are back in Tokyo and drown in the stress between work and school. You will want to kill everyone around you again.”

Kento returned something, but I could not bring myself to listen. My gaze had strolled out to search for Fuma, who had been just next to me a minute ago. I finally found him sitting in the sand a few feet away from us, looking out over the waves, too, only in comparison to Kento, his eyes looked troubled, like they did so often lately.

I wished I knew why.

あの時と同じような　風が吹いた  
(The wind blew just like that time)

Without a word to Kento and Yugo, who were engaged in their own conversations, I made my way over to him. He only looked up when I sat down next to him, smiling a small smile.

It looked fake to me.

“What is it?” I asked him quietly, my hand searching for his in the sand. His eyes were focused on the way our fingers entwined. “You look surprisingly down, considering we have the day off.”

“It’s nothing” he shook his hand, looking up to smile at me more brightly, this time putting more effort into the smile. It made me frown.

君の笑顔が　いつまでも来ない  
(Your smile won’t ever show again)

“You’re sure?” I asked hesitantly, observing his face. “You have been awfully quiet lately.”

“Yes” he nodded, squeezing my hand. “We just… we have a lot of stress lately, right? That’s all. Sorry to make you worry.”

“No, no” I shook my head, and Fuma just smiled once more before resting his head against my shoulder.

I was not quite sure if I should buy his excuse. It was not like we were in more stress than usual, lately – to be honest, the work B.I. Shadow got seemed to become less, which was slightly worrying, and school was getting close to summer holidays, which meant we were out of the worst.

But I decided to just trust Fuma and wait until he told me what was really wrong with him.  Because what use was it to make him talk if he did not feel like it? I knew that I sometimes wanted to rather deal with my feelings myself than reveal them to anyone, feeling stupid about them.

Though that never happened with Fuma, admittedly. Fuma knew everything about me, every stupid little thing, every dream, every depressing thought… It kind of made me sad, to think that he did not have the same trust in me.

But on the other hand, people were different, right? I knew he loved me, all his little gestures over the day showed it. So I did not want to interpret problems where there were really none.

きっと僕たちは　これからはいつも一緒  
(Surely we will always be together from now on)

He would come to me when the time came. And until then, I would be by his side. This was what I thought as I looked out over the summer sky, stroking Fuma’s hair.

それはずっと　ここからさき  
変わらないはずだった  
(Only this will never change)

***

Yugo’s POV

„Oh, those two will never stop cuddling, will they?!“ Kento groaned, looking over at Hokuto and Fuma, who had withdrawn themselves from us a little, sitting in the sand a few feet away from us.

Fuma was resting his head against Hokuto’s shoulder, and as usual, I felt a little sting of jealousy at the look at them.

Don’t understand me wrong, I was happy for my friends. Of course I was… Only that sometimes, I longed for what they had. A bond as strong as theirs, and that mutual understanding.

I looked back at Kento, but he was looking out over the sky again, his eyes shut off, somehow. As usual, I found it hard to read him.

Kento and I had shared a lot of intimate moments together in the last few months, but we were far from a relationship like Fuma and Hokuto. There was something between us, sure, but it mostly consisted of stolen moments of physical contact – hot kisses in the dressing room when we were sure that we were alone, or secret nights together at home, when Kento pretended to be helping me with my studies.

No one knew of the nature of our relationship. Not even Fuma and Hokuto had a clue. And to be honest, I did not want them to know, either… Their relationship with each other seemed so pure and innocent that I would feel almost dirty, by revealing ours to them.

When it came to Kento and me… We never talked about what that thing between us was. Once or twice, I tried, at the start, but Kento had always managed to turn these conversations into sex, somehow.

“Yeah, we could talk” he had once nodded, when I had suggested it. “Or…” I had looked at him expectantly, raising an eyebrow. “ _Or_ …” he continued, and before I knew it, he had grabbed and kissed me. I had let out a string of protesting groans against his lips, but when his hand found his way under my shirt, I had kind of given up, giving in to the feeling.

Later, I had thought. Only that later never came.

I should have known, of course, that this thing with Kento would be difficult. He had always been flirtative, but had never let himself be tied down to a relationship. I guess I could call myself lucky, to have lasted that long with whatever we had, and not have been thrown away after a one night stand.

Maybe that was a sign as to how important I was for Kento, even if he could not show it very well. At least, that was what I was trying to tell myself.

My string of thoughts was broken by a call of my name. I looked up at Kento, only to have a load of water splashed into my face.

“That’s what you get when you don’t listen to me” Kento grinned, and I only glared at him before kneeling down to the sand, grabbing a handful of it.

Kento screamed higher than any girl and started to run, making Fuma and Hokuto glance at us, but I ignored them and started to chase after him.

Kento ran all the way back to our hotel, only stopping in front of the pool, apparently trying to search for a way to hide. He hesitated for a moment too long before I reached him, pushing him into the pool.

I stood by the side with a wide grin, waiting for Kento to come back to the surface, gasping for air.

“That’s what _you_ get for messing around with me all the time” I countered, making Kento glare at me.

“Be happy I left my cell phone and purse in our room, or you would have to explain to my insurance company” he spluttered, frantically wiping the wet strands out of his face.

I laughed and reached out for his hand, offering to help him up. A mistake, as I should have known – Kento took my hand, but instead of trying to get out of the pool, he pulled at it with all his might, making me lose my balance and fall in after him.

“Don’t think I was done with you yet” Kento said smugly when I dived up again, now gasping for air myself.

“Fair enough” I murmured, and Kento laughed, wiping my much shorter hair from my forehead.

Our eyes met for a moment, and I felt like I could see some kind of emotion in his, something like affection and gentleness…

It were moments like this, that made me hope that maybe, I was more than just an affair.

夏の名前　かぞえた  
(Counting the names of summer)

“Let’s get out of the pool, before we catch a cold” Kento whispered, and I just nodded, not moving an inch.

We looked at each other for some more time, before Kento leaned in, catching my lips with his. I put my arms around his waist and melted into the kiss.

We broke apart just in the moment we heard footsteps, and when we looked up (Kento noticeably taking a step away from me) we saw Hokuto and Fuma approaching us.

“Do I want to know what you are doing in the water?” Hokuto asked in an amused tone.

“It’s his fault” Kento said, making the others raise their eyebrows at him. “No. Really.”

***

プールに立つ　波を見つめ  
(Standing beside the pool and gazing at the waves)

“And in the next Shounen Club episode” Kento said enthusiastically, his hair slowly drying and not clinging to his face anymore as we sat in deck chairs at the poolside. “We should perform this song we practiced last week, the Kinki Kids one, I bet the fans will love it!”

“If we get a performance in the next Shounen Club” Hokuto threw in, his voice quiet. “In the last one, it was just you and Fuma.”

Fuma stayed quiet, just gazing at the waves. I saw Hokuto’s eyes plastered to his face, but I could not interpret the look in them.

“That was just an experiment” Kento said quickly. “Next one, it will be all of us together again. We have to prepare for our debut, after all.”

I stayed quiet, too, somehow feeling that our debut as B.I. Shadow had never been farther away than now, even if Kento did his best to convince us otherwise.

Fuma suddenly stood up, murmuring: “I’ll go up and lie down. I’m tired.”

“It’s 4pm” I frowned, scanning his face. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know” he said, not looking at me. “I think that maybe, I’m coming down with something…”

“I’ll come with you” Hokuto said quickly, but Fuma only shook his head, saying: “No, it’s okay. Stay here.” Without waiting for Hokuto’s response, he just took off, not looking back at us.

Hokuto stared after him with a frown.

My friend Dear friend  
ふたり肩よせて　決めた  
(We decided to stay together)

***

Hokuto’s POV

When I came into the room Fuma and I shared, everything was dark, and he was fast asleep. For a moment, I just stood in the doorway, watching his sleeping figure and the way his chest rose and fell in his sleep.

Then, I crossed the room, kneeling down at the bed side and raising my hand to his forehead, feeling his temperature, but it seemed normal.

Fuma did not wake up, but leaned into my touch, murmuring something incomprehendable. It made me smile.

うなずいた　君の横顔見つめ  
(Nodding while gazing at your profile)

Carefully, I walked to the other side of Fuma’s hotel bed and lifted the blanket, slipping into the small space beside him. Fuma was comforting and warm against my chest, and holding him like this, it felt like all the things I was seeing lately seemed far far away and product of my imagination.

I entwined our fingers and closed my eyes, enjoying our closeness.

そっと　指をかさねていく  
(Our fingers touched softly)

***

Yugo’s POV

“Really, because of you, those clothes smell of chlorine now” I complained, removing my still damp shirt and taking in the scent. “I only brought two sets to change, I’m gonna be short now!”

Kento did not answer immediately, and when I turned to look at him, he had already fastened his arms around my waist and hugged me close. For a moment, it robbed me of my breath, and I closed my eyes and expected to land against the next wall or any other object, like I usually did when Kento surprised me like this, but instead, he just rested his head against mine, holding me close.

I opened my eyes again hesitantly, searching his gaze, but he had his eyes closed. I stared at him, slightly perplexed.

“Are you okay?” I blurted out, making him open his eyes and frown at me.

“Huh?”

“You’re not coming down with anything, too, right?” I murmured, raising my hand to his forehead check his temperature.

“No” he groaned, rolling his eyes. “What the-?! You are stupid, you know.”

I had to smile at his reproachful tone, as if he was the most romantic guy on earth and I always destroyed the mood, but instead of saying anything more, he just leaned in and kissed me as gently as I had never experienced it before.

My friend Dear friend  
少し　はにかむように　キスをした  
(We kissed a little shyly)

I probably should have known, right in that moment, that something was off. Something was not right, and it would soon surface and destroy everything I had known until then.

But in that moment, I could not bring myself to care. As Kento hugged me close, I just smiled, taking in his scent and enjoying the intimacy.

***

Fuma’s POV

I had never felt as sick as in that moment, when Kento and I were sitting in front of Johnny’s office, waiting to be called in.

Kento looked at my profile, murmuring: “If you need to throw up, please go to the bathroom.”

“Aren’t you nervous at all?!” I snapped, running my hands through my hair in frustration.

“They are not going to break us apart” Kento said simply, like he had done so many times, in these little conversations among the two of us in the last few weeks. “They can’t. It would not make any sense. So just chill.”

“How can you be so sure?!” I groaned, but before he could answer, Johnny’s secretary appeared and told us that he was expecting us.

I seriously felt like throwing up when we walked into Johnny’s office. I had never been as scared of the usually nice old man as in this moment. He had always been more of a grandfather than a boss to us.

But now, he was the boss, and he held the power to destroy everything I had come to treasure. As I sat down in one of the chairs opposite of him, it felt like I was waiting for my death sentence.

The silence was too loud to take. I folded my hands and looked down to them, not being able to look up at him.

And then, he said them, those words I had been afraid of permanently for the last few weeks.

“It’s been decided” he said in a business-like manner. “Sexy Zone is going to debut in September.”

It felt like a punch in the stomach. I looked up at Kento, hoping that, despite the hopeless situation, he still had one of his usual aces up his sleeve.

His face was positively green as he looked at Johnny, speechless, and I knew in that moment that it was over.

B.I. Shadow would be breaking up.


	4. 夏の名前 (2)

Yugo’s POV

I had not expected anything bad, as I walked into the agency buildings for dance practice. I had met Hokuto outside by chance, and we chatted away happily about our plans for the weekend, to maybe go out with the band once again, now that the summer holidays had begun, when we bumped into Yasui, one fellow Junior.

We were just going to say “Hello” and pass by, when the look in his eyes stopped us. Yasui had always been one of those honestly caring guys, who was everyone’s friend and helper, and right now, he looked like he wanted to hug us and pat our heads.

It was slightly unsettling, when everything was perfectly fine.

Before we could even ask what was wrong, though, he had already approached us and said: “I’m really sorry, you guys. I just heard the news.”

I blinked, looking at Hokuto questioningly. Hokuto’s eyes were focused on Yasui, frowning at him.

“What news?” he questioned, his voice wary.

“Well, about your band” Yasui answered, frowning now, too. “About Nakajima and Kikuchi debuting without you. I just heard it from one of the younger Juniors, who heard it from Marius, their new band mate… Wait, didn’t you know?”

Yasui had always been nice and caring, but sometimes, he was talking too much, and didn’t know when to stop. This was one of those moments. He only held in when he noticed me gaping at him, looking more than only a little pale, and Hokuto, seeming positively frozen.

“Oh gosh, you really didn’t know” he murmured, looking horrified. “ _I’m sorry!”_

I just gaped at him, not being able to comprehend his words. Kento and Fuma debuting without us? That could not be, could it? They would have told us, if that was the case…

But thinking about it, it made sense. There had been signs. We had been getting less and less work for B.I. Shadow, and Fuma and Kento had been getting more attention as a duo… But they had always been more of the front men of the band than me and Hokuto, having been in the original B.I. Shadow. So we would not have thought…

I looked up at Hokuto, who’s face had turned to a grim mask. It scared me a little, to look at him. Apparently, it scared Yasui, too, because he had just stopped talking, looking at us hesitantly.

“Please excuse us” Hokuto just murmured, turning around on his heels and stalking down the corridor, towards our dressing room. I had to run, to be able to catch up with him.

When we reached the dressing room, the door stood open, and we could hear loud voices from inside. Hokuto stopped suddenly, making me bump into him, but instead of voicing a complaint, I directed my attention to what was being said inside.

“I _told_ you we should have talked to them!” Fuma called frantically, his usually deep voice sounding higher now, like he was 13 again.

“I thought we could still turn it around, okay?!” Kento snapped, his voice loud and harsh, the way it became when he was getting defensive. “I would have never thought that Johnny would force this through without our consent!”

“You and your over-confidence!” Fuma accused. “Did you seriously think that Johnny would listen to you?!”

“You could have not listened to me, if you thought that way!” Kento returned angrily. “It was you and your boyfriend, you could have decided for yourself! Don’t blame me now! You were the one saying that you didn’t know how Hokuto would take it, being as ambitious as he is!”

“Of course I was scared!” Fuma called back, his voice desperate. “I felt like I could not even look him in the eyes properly! Not telling him was like betraying him!”

“Yes” Hokuto said, so suddenly that even I twitched at the sound of his voice. “It _was_ like betraying me.”

Both Kento and Fuma fell silent all of a sudden. Then, Hokuto stepped forward, appearing in the doorframe for them to see.

I took a deep breath, before following after him.

***

Fuma’s POV

“Of course I was scared!” I called back, just barely resisting the urge to throw something at Kento, not because it was his fault, but because he was _here_. “I felt like I could not even look him in the eyes properly! Not telling him was like betraying him!”

In my eyes flashed up pictures of Hokuto, of the way he had asked me a dozen times what was wrong, of the worried look in his eyes, and his understanding smile when I had lied to him. It made me hate myself so much.

I froze when suddenly, I heard Hokuto’s voice, only as cold as I had never heard it before.

“Yes. It _was_ like betraying me.”

I looked up at Kento with panicked eyes, but Kento was frozen, too, his gaze slowly directing towards the door. I followed his eyes, staring towards the empty doorframe, my heart hammering in my chest.

It took a few more seconds, before there were footsteps, and Hokuto appeared in the doorway, his eyes immediately zooming in on mine.

His glare was as sharp as a knife. It hurt almost physically to look at him.

There were another few seconds of silence, before Kento’s voice broke it.

“You know it” was all he said. It was not a question, but a statement.

It made Yugo, who I had not even registered turning up behind Hokuto until now, shift uncomfortably in his position, before nodding, not looking at any of us. It was hard to read his face, but I was too preoccupied with Hokuto to pay much attention to him, anyways.

“Who told you?” Kento continued, his voice distant, as if he did not even care for the answer. I know he was asking to buy himself time, and maybe me, too, to answer to both of them, but I saw Yugo smile bitterly at his question, and knew that he was taking it the wrong way.

“Yasui” was all he answered, adding, as an obvious provocation. “News travel fast, in this agency. Have you forgotten?”

Kento did not answer, and the uncomfortable silence resurfaced. Hokuto’s eyes were still fixed on me, and timidly, I tried to speak up, even if it came out as a stutter.

“H-Hokuto… I… I…”

“Don’t” he just snapped, adverting his eyes from me. “Don’t even try!”

夏の名前　教えて  
(Tell me the names of summer)

I balled my fist, knowing that my hands were shaking. The silence drew on, until Kento stepped forward, passing Hokuto and grabbing Yugo’s hand.

“Come on” he murmured, pulling him down the corridor, away from us. I heard Yugo protesting, but Kento hissed something back at him, and then they were gone.

Somehow, I wished that they had stayed. I was not sure how to deal with Hokuto’s anger alone.

The silence drew on again, and finally, I decided to try to speak up again.

“H-Hokuto” I whispered. “Listen-“

“No, I won’t” Hokuto snapped, and I saw that his hands, too, were balled into fists. Only that in his case, it was probably a sign of anger instead of pure fear. “Seriously, Fuma, what the heck?!”

“I’m sorry” I murmured. “I-“

“I asked you a dozen times!” he snapped, his voice rising with every word. “I asked you almost every day what was wrong with you! I almost felt like a broken record! And you could not once open up your mouth and tell me that you and Kento were going to debut?!”

“I did not know how!” I returned desperately. “I did not want to hurt you, and-“

“Still, you should have told me!” he yelled, making me twitch. “Both Yugo and I had a right to know! It was not only your business that our band was breaking apart, damnit!”

“We knew that!” I answered in a small voice. “We knew, but… We hoped that somehow, we could still turn it around, and-“

“Even if that were the case, I’m your freaking boyfriend!” Hokuto interrupted me. “We swore to tell each other everything! But apparently you did never take that promise too serious.”

“That’s not true!” I called, his words feeling like a slap. “I never lied to you or anything! I mean, just-“

“Yeah, just this one time!” Hokuto groaned. “And that is already too much!”

It stung, and I had to bite my lip, to keep it from quivering, or to keep the tears I felt coming at the back of my throat inside.

“I never expected you to betray me like this” Hokuto whispered, looking at the floor. “I _trusted_ you.”

“I’m sorry” was all I could say, my voice breaking. “I never meant to, I just-“

“Just stop” Hokuto shook his head. “I don’t want to hear it.”

With that, he turned away to leave, and I panicked. I called his name and grabbed his arm, holding onto him with all my might.

“Let go of me!” Hokuto groaned, pushing me away.

I collided with the doorframe behind me, but that was not the reason why my tears slipped from my eyes. I felt numb to the pain.

“Hokuto, please” I called, my voice sounding like broken glass. “I’m sorry. I know I should have told you, but I did not know how! I was scared! But I love you! Please believe me! I did not want to hurt you!”

“I _did_ believe you” he whispered, gulping. “But then you lied to me.”

I let out a broken sob.

“ _Please”_ I whispered. “Hokuto-“

“It’s over!” Hokuto cut me off.

二人歩いた　橋のたもと  
(The bridge on which we used to walk on together broke away)

I stared at him, barely comprehending his words. I could feel myself shaking all over, and the tears were just flowing down my cheeks now, without me even trying to stop them.

Hokuto turned away from me completely and walked down the hallway.

“Hokuto” I tried to call, but my voice came out no louder than a whisper. “Hokuto!” I called again, this time louder, but he did not turn around to look at me.

And then he disappeared around a corner. I stared after him, slowly sinking to the floor, before I buried my face in his knees, crying into them.

***

Yugo’s POV

“Don’t” I heard Hokuto snapping at Fuma’s stuttered words. “Don’t even try!”

The uncomfortable silence continued, and my eyes were focused on a tile on the floor, not knowing what to feel. I just wanted to be gone, to be anywhere else but in this room, with these people that were usually closest to me, but I could not stand to be with them right now.

It was then, that Kento grabbed my hand and pulled at it. My reflex was to pull it away, but Kento had always been that tiny bit stronger than me, so he was easily able to resist my protests.

“Come on” he murmured, making me follow him down the corridor. I was used to the way Kento always tried to dominate me, but right now, it just pissed me off to no end.

“What the-?! No!” I groaned incoherently, but before I could say anything else, Kento cut me off, murmuring: “Just let them have the moment to sort out their problems themselves. We would be in the way!”

My jaw clenched, glaring at his back as he found the nearest empty meeting room, slipping inside and closing the door behind us.

“Let go of me!” I snapped, pulling at my arm again, and finally, Kento let go, looking at me a little bewilderedly.

There was another moment of silence, before he murmured: “Listen, Yugo, I did not want it to go that way. I really thought that we could turn the whole thing around one more time. We were going to tell you today, but…”

“Why are you even apologizing?!” I murmured, again focusing on the wooden door behind him, my anger boiling too heavily in my chest to be able to look at him. “It’s not like we ever had a promise like Hokuto and Fuma had. You always made it very clear that I am not your boyfriend.”

My friend, Dear friend  
近づいてく　想いとまる  
(Our feelings stop being the same)

Kento sighed.

“I know you are mad” he said. “But-“

“Sorry if I was under the misconception that our band actually meant anything to you!” I snapped, my voice rising. “I’m going to congratulate you and throw a party for your success, if that’s more appropriate!”

“Stop being so cynical!” Kento groaned, crossing the distance between us to grab my shoulder and shake me. “And look at me when I talk to you, damnit!”

窓を開け　君の名前さけんだ  
(I opened the window and screamed your name)

Finally, I let my eyes meet his, but only with a firm glare. I saw Kento’s jaw clench and unclench, before he spoke up again.

“You know how much our band means to me!” he said finally. “I told you a dozen times that I want us to debut together! I told Johnny, too, but he did not care. So what am I supposed to do?! Do you want me and Fuma to turn this chance down?!”

“You really thought that was what Hokuto and I were going to say?!” I snapped, shaking his hand off again. “If you would have told us from the start, we would have understood! We are your freaking friends; you talk to your friends about such things!”

“We did not want you to feel bad!” Kento called. “We were worried about you, damnit!”

“I’m touched by your consideration!” I snapped. “Don’t act like you care for how _I_ feel now, because let’s face it, you never gave a shit!”

胸の奥が　音をたてた  
(With the sound of what’s inside my heart)

“What have I done to you, to make you say such things?!” Kento yelled.

“Nothing” I groaned. “Of course you are perfect! This is what you want to hear, right?!”

“I can’t talk to you when you are like this!” Kento snapped.

“Fine, then let’s stop!” I groaned, pushing past him to get to the door.

“ _Yugo!”_ Kento called angrily, but he cut himself off when I opened the door, and from outside, we heard a piercing cry of: “Hokuto!”

I held in for a moment, listening, but there was nothing, at first. Until I heard a loud sob from Fuma.

Without another look back at Kento, I hurried down the corridor, back to our dressing room. And there I found him: Fuma was cowering on the floor, leaning against the doorframe, crying into his knees.

I stared at him for a moment, before kneeling down next to him. It was a reflex; rationally, I knew that, if I was mad at Kento, I should be mad at Fuma, too, but somehow, I could not bring myself to.

I knew Fuma; I knew that he was soft at heart, and probably overstrained with the situation. And if I carefully thought back, I could see that Fuma had suffered with the knowledge of what might happen all along.

Kento, though, was different. Kento had consciously decided to lie to us. To lie to _me_ , and even though I did not admit it to him, I had wanted him to tell me. I mean, I knew that we had never had a relationship like Fuma and Hokuto, but somehow, I had still managed to lead myself on, thinking that I was special to him and that he had feelings for me, even if he could not properly express them.

I was naïve, and frustrated by my own stupidity.

But Fuma and Hokuto… They had had this perfect relationship, and everything I had ever wanted. Something like this could not seriously break them up, could it?

“What happened?” I asked gently, raising my hand to Fuma’s shoulder.

I noticed Kento turning up behind me, but I did not look up at him. Instead, my attention was focused on Fuma, who was shaking under my touch as he murmured, his voice choked: “He broke up with me. He really left. I…”

“He will calm down again” I murmured, stroking over his back. “He is shocked, and that makes him say things he does not mean…”

“No” Fuma shook his head, finally looking up at me. His eyes were red and blurry, and he looked so desperate that even the tiniest bit of resentment I could have held against him just puffed away. “You should have seen him! He was serious! I-“

“Just try calming down” I cooed, putting my arm completely around his shoulder and pulling him closer to me.

I heard Kento move behind me, and when I looked up, he was gone. Maybe he really did not care, after all.

“Why are you doing this?” Fuma murmured, breaking my chain of thoughts. “Why are you not mad at me? I lied to you, too.”

“I know” I whispered, making a face. “But Hokuto’s anger is already enough of a punishment for that, I think. Besides, you did not mean to.”

Fuma sobbed, before whispering: “I’m sorry, Yugo! I really am.”

I let out a sigh and squeezed his shoulder.

“I know” I murmured. “I know…”

But holding a sobbing Fuma close like this, I realized that, here, in this very moment, I stood in front of the ruins of my band, and everything I had come to treasure until now.  
少し　涙でにじむ　町を見た  
(The tears are running down a little as I look at the city)


	5. 愛なんて (1)

Fuma’s POV

I sipped at my coffee, staring out of the window, watching as the people passed by in a hurry, trying to escape the pouring rain outside. On the other side of the street, I saw a couple of girls squeezing underneath one umbrella, freezing in their summer dresses.

The sudden break out of autumn had surprised everyone, but personally, I felt relieved that the hot season was over. The bright sunlight and the heat had felt like the gods were laughing at me, because it had been the complete opposite of my mood.

So I welcomed the coldness and the rain; I had always liked rain, somehow, and now, it made me strangely nostalgic.

I remembered that day in Shizuoka, when Hokuto and I had been caught on that tree house, completely soaked, but too caught up with each other to care. Had it only been a few months since that day?

どれだけ　歩いてきたんだろう？  
(Just how far have I walked?)

Ever since the news of Sexy Zone’s debut had broken out, Hokuto had refused all contact with me. I had tried everything: I had called him almost 10 times a day, for the first couple of weeks; I had followed him around in the agency, begging him to talk to me; I had even turned up at his house, crying and screaming at his mother to please let me in, but it had all been no use. When Hokuto had told me that it was over, he had meant it, and no matter what I did, it seemed like he was not going to reconsider his decision.

In the beginning, I had broken down completely, not being able to deal with the break up. Yugo had visited me almost every day, trying to counsel for us and to just be there for me, but it had all been no use – I had still cried myself to sleep every night.

振り向いたら涙の跡  
(If I look behind me, I’ll find a trail of tears)

Now, I had kind of given up. I still did love Hokuto, and I doubted that my feelings would ever change, but I had somehow become numb to the pain. Our debut with Sexy Zone was coming closer and closer, and though I could still not really identify myself with my new band, I tried my best to be a good Senpai to my new younger band mates. Because even if I cursed Johnny’s decision of letting me debut with them, they were not to blame for it. Plus, the work distracted me from my misery.

傷つけ　傷つき　辿りついた場所  
(I hurt and was hurt in return, and I finally reached that place)  
今ここに君がいる  
(where you are now)

I was becoming better, so much at least that Kento stopped treating me like I had a catching sickness. I had even reassured ever-worrying Yugo that I was okay. But still, there were moments when I felt like I could just not deal with it.

One of those moments had been shortly after school had started again. During the summer holidays, Hokuto had been out of reach, but now, I was seeing him again almost every day, and experiencing his cold behavior towards me… It had made me snap.

Resulting in one big fight at the end of the first school week, when I had locked Hokuto and myself into the tool shed of our gym. We had been assigned by our teacher to clean up the left over medicine balls, and had done so in silence, and when Hokuto had stuffed the last one into the cupboard, I had just closed the door behind us.

Knowing that it could only be opened from the outside.

When Hokuto had heard the door closing, he had turned around, looking at me like I was insane. And maybe, I was.

“What the heck are you doing?!” he had called angrily.

“We are going to talk now” I had said simply, a lot calmer than I had felt. “If you’re not taking my calls, I have to go to extremes!”

“I don’t want to talk to you!” Hokuto had yelled, throwing the cupboard door closed with a loud “Pang”. “We don’t have anything to talk about!”

“Just because you suddenly decide that our relationship is over, that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it!” I had returned, trying not to be scared by the way he had stalked towards me like an angry lion. “I don’t want us to be over! I want to work this out together!”

愛なんて　君だけさ  
(Such a thing as love, it’s only you)

“You should have thought of that before you and Kento conspired to lie to us!” Hokuto had called, stopping only a feet away from me. “Maybe Yugo can forgive you for that, but I can’t! So will you finally let it drop and leave me in peace?!”

“I can’t!” I had yelled. “I love you, and I can’t just forget you like that!”

いつでも求めすぎて  
(who always demands too much of me)

“That’s your problem” Hokuto had said simply, glaring at me.

“You can’t tell me that you don’t feel anything for me anymore!” I had yelled desperately, my voice starting to break. “I know you better than that, Hokuto!”

愛なんて　君なしじゃ  
(Such a thing as love, if you’re not there)  
意味ないよ  
(it does not mean anything)

“If you know me so well, then why did you not talk to me from the start?!” he had called, his hands balling into fists again. “Everything would have been fine if you had done so!”

“I was scared, okay?!” I had called. “You have always been so ambitious, and if I told you that I would debut before you… I was not sure how you would take it!”

“So that’s what you think of me?!” Hokuto had yelled, his voice rising even more. “That I would just break up over something like this?! After everything I have put into our relationship?! Maybe you really don’t know me that well, after all!”

“Stop saying things like that!” I had screamed, reaching out for him, but he pulled away from me.

There had been a short scrap, before I had collided with the door, and Hokuto had grabbed the front of my T-Shirt, opening his mouth to say something…

And then the door had opened, making me fall back a little, but Hokuto had held me in place with his grip. I turned around, and was met with a shocked Yugo, who had looked at us with wide eyes.

“Hokuto!” he had called, and Hokuto had finally let go of me in response.

I had seen something in his eyes, but before I could even interpret what it was, he had already rushed past me and Yugo, storming off.

Yugo had run after him, leaving me alone. Only in that moment, I had noticed that I was shaking.

生きられない  
(I can’t live like this)

It had been the last confrontation Hokuto and I had had with each other. From that moment on, he had not even looked at me twice. Sometimes, it was too much to take… But on the other hand, there was nothing I could do about it.

Hokuto had made it clear that he would not forgive me. And even if I could not forget him, all I could do was wait and hope that maybe, someday, he would change his mind.

My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice calling “Fuma!”, and I looked up to be met with Yugo’s smile.

“Sorry, I’m late” he apologized, sitting down opposite of me, placing his coffee on the table. “Did you wait long?”

“No, no, it’s okay” I smiled, trying to shake off all thoughts of Hokuto, for once.

“Still, I feel bad, wasting an idol’s precious time” he teased, making me role my eyes.

“As if I would not always make time for you” I murmured, sipping on my coffee. “You have been my best friend in the last few months… I mean, after Hokuto and me…” I broke myself off, continuing quickly: “Well, and Kento has not been a big help either. He’s weird at the moment.”

Yugo did not say anything, just taking a sip, too. I observed his face, asking, after a moment: “Say, you and Kento don’t have any contact anymore lately, do you?”

Yugo just shook his head.

“Why?” I frowned. “I never really asked, sorry…”

“It’s okay, you were too busy with your own stuff” he murmured, sighing as he put down his drink. “And nothing really happened. I just can’t deal with his attitude anymore.”

“Well, he is difficult at the moment” I agreed slowly. “It seems like all he does is work and sleep with different girls.”

“Yeah” Yugo said slowly, his smile bitter. “That’s what I heard, too.”

There was another silence, before I asked hesitantly: “… Anything new with Hokuto?”

“No” Yugo sighed. “He is very into work at the moment. Even with me, he barely meets up…”

“I see…” I nodded, trying to keep a smile on my face, just to not make Yugo worry, but Yugo’s eyes seemed far away, too, not even really seeing me.

***

Yugo’s POV

“Say, you and Kento don’t have any contact anymore lately, do you?”

I just shook my head, playing with the lid of my drink, trying not to look at Fuma.

“Why?” Fuma frowned, observing my face. “I never really asked, sorry…”

“It’s okay, you were too busy with your own stuff” I murmured, sighing. I had expected that question for quite some time, having been glad, until now, that Fuma had been distracted by his own broken heart to notice that something was off with me and Kento. “And nothing really happened” I lied casually, hoping that Fuma was not able to see through me the way Kento had been. “I just can’t deal with his attitude anymore.”

“Well, he is difficult at the moment” Fuma agreed, thinking. “It seems like all he does is work and sleep with different girls.”

“Yeah” I said, a bitter smile crawling over my lips. “That’s what I heard, too.” And it was true; ever since the school had started again, I had heard girls in the corridors talk about him, or seen him in different corners of the ground, flirting around…

It was not like it was my business anymore, though.

Fuma drew me out of my thoughts, when he asked hesitantly: “… Anything new with Hokuto?”

“No” I sighed, wishing I could tell him anything else, for once. “He is very into work at the moment. Even with me, he barely meets up…”

“I see…” He nodded, smiling at me, even though I could very well tell that it was a forced smile. I myself, though, could not really return the gesture, too caught up in my own thoughts.

I treasured the friendship with Fuma, glad that, even though our whole band had fallen apart, we were still close, but sometimes, it hurt to be with him. It reminded me so much of all the time we had spent together as B.I. Shadow, and all the things I wanted to forget…

Along with the band and Hokuto and Fuma’s relationship, Kento and I had fallen apart completely, too. After our fight, he had not once tried to contact me, and I, being stubborn as I was sometimes, had kept the silence, too.

I had not met him again until school had restarted, and even there, we had been able to avoid each other, being in different classes.

It had not been until the end of the first school week, that we had really had to face each other again, for the first time. It had been a stupid coincidence – I had searched for Hokuto and Fuma, who were in the same class a year under us, wanting to start another try of consolation between them.

Knowing that they had a free period after their PE class, I had made my way over to the gym to search for them, suddenly hearing loud noises from the tool shed. Intrigued, I had opened the door, being met with the quite frightening sight of Hokuto grabbing the front of Fuma’s shirt, looking at him as if he was more than ready to punch him any moment.

“Hokuto!” I had called, and at the sound of my voice, he had seemed to snap out of it, immediately letting go of Fuma. Without another word, he had rushed past both me and Fuma, storming out of sight.

Instinctively, I had run after him, trying to catch up with him, but soon, I had lost him in the corridors of the school.

It was then, that I had walked into an empty classroom, in hope of finding Hokuto inside… Instead, I encountered a sight I would have rather not wanted to see: Kento, half sitting on a desk, making out with a girl from my class.

本当に　心で愛せているの？  
(Do you really love me with all your heart?)  
今でも不安だよ  
(Even now, I am feeling insecure)

Even though I had not had any contact to Kento for more than a month, pretending not to care about it, the sight had hit me like a slap.

Kento, having heard the door open, broke the kiss to stare at me. The girl had giggled in embarrassment, hiding her face against his shoulder.

There had been a moment of silence, before Kento had asked, not really looking at me: “… Is there anything you want?”

I had chuckled bitterly, shaking my head.

“Not really” I had murmured, trying to play down the hurt I had felt. “Have you seen Hokuto?”

“No” he had murmured, seeming visibly tensed, trying to decently disentangle himself from the girl, but she had held onto him tightly.

“Of course you haven’t” I had hissed. “How could I have expected you to care for your friends?”

Kento had blinked, but before he could even return anything, I had already left the room again, banging the door behind me.

Those had been the last words Kento and I had exchanged. I had locked away that part of myself that I had tended to become when I was with Kento, or that thin layer of my soul that had admitted that yes, I was in love with him. I had just thrown it all away and pretended that it had never existed.

Because really, from the start, Kento and I had never really “existed” together. We had just happened to cross ways.

“Say” Fuma spoke up again, making me wake from my trance. I looked up at him, waiting for him to continue, when suddenly, another voice rose out of nothing, making me freeze.

“Oi, Fuma!”

Fuma blinked, his eyes adverting from me and searching for its source, while I inwardly counted to 3, hoping irrationally that maybe, I had just been thinking about the whole thing too much today so that my mind was playing tricks on me, before I looked up, too, following Fuma’s gaze.

In front of us stood none other than Kento, slightly out of breath, cell phone in hand. Though he had called out for Fuma, as soon as I looked up, our eyes met.

I had to suppress a shudder, feeling that tiny part of myself that I had locked away rattling at its shackles.


	6. 愛なんて (2)

Yugo’s POV

There was a moment of silence, in which Kento and I just looked at each other. It was broken by Fuma, who asked in surprise: „Kento, what are you doing here?!”

Kento blinked, adverting his gaze from me to his band mate. After a moment, he just shoved the cell phone in his hand at Fuma, who took it in confusion.

“You forgot your phone in the dressing room” he added in explanation. “And I know how lost you are without it, so…”

Fuma smiled up at him sheepishly, and despite the tensed atmosphere, I needed to bite my lip to keep from grinning. Losing important things like these was just _so_ Fuma. I not so fondly remembered that one episode where he had managed to lose his passport at the airport. Seemed like some things would never change.

“Thank you” Fuma chuckled. “I hadn’t even realized I had left it behind… I would have panicked later…”

 _“_ I figured as much” Kento sighed. “Don’t worry, I was free anyways, and Shori told me that you wanted to meet up with Yugo here…” His eyes traveled to me again for a split second, but I avoided them. “Anyways, I did not want to disturb” he finished, unconsciously taking half a step back. “So I’d better-“

“No!” Fuma said quickly, looking at him with wide eyes. “You are free, right? Come on, stay! Have some coffee with us!”

“Um…” Kento murmured, taken aback, looking back at me. My eyes, on the other hand, were fixed on Fuma, looking at him pointedly, but he ignored me, continuing: “Come on, Kento, it’s been so long since the three of us have been together! Just for a few minutes!”

Kento kept quiet, biting his lip, hesitating. I did not speak up either, hoping my lack of response was enough of an answer, but apparently, for Fuma, it was not, or if it was, he knowingly ignored my missing enthusiasm, cleaning his jacket from the chair next to him so Kento could sit down on it.

I sighed in defeat, taking a sip of my drink. Kento sat down in silence.

The tension was thick enough to cut through with a knife. Even Fuma seemed to be unable to speak up, even though he had been the one who had forced Kento to stay.

It was Kento, of course, who spoke up, in the end. He had always been the best when it came to talking.

“I heard of your drama role, Yugo” he said finally, looking up at me. “Congrats.”

“Yes, he was the one who told me about the news!” Fuma said quickly, eager to catch on. “He came in one day all excited telling me that you and Hokuto got the role in the new drama with AKB48!”

“Don’t exaggerate” Kento murmured, visibly embarrassed. “I just told you after Yasui came to me all hyper telling me about it. You know how Yasui always talks too much.”

“Don’t always try to play down your interest in others” Fuma frowned, nudging him with his elbow in the ribs. “Why do you always want people to think that you are a jerk?!”

“That’s so not true” Kento groaned. “I just… Oh, whatever” he sighed, turning to me again with a frown. “Anyways, I’m glad for you and Hokuto. You deserve it.”

“… Thank you?” I said finally, slightly taken aback by the blush on Kento’s face. “Though I’m not quite sure yet if it will become a success” I added after a moment, noticing how Fuma’s eyes were practically begging me to keep the conversation going. “I mean, a collaboration with AKB and Johnny’s seems a little…”

“It will be okay” Kento said confidently, in the typical way I had heard from him so many times. It had always been reassuring, and even though I had heard him talk about B.I. Shadow’s debut so often without it coming true in the end, it somehow still was. “At least it will attract attention, and that will help you with your career.”

“Hokuto more than me, though” I shrugged. “He’s the second main character, I’m just one of the gang”

“So what?!” Kento shrugged. “Me and Fuma were just side characters in Scrap Teacher, and still, it helped back then. Don’t always be so pessimistic and make yourself smaller than you are!”

“Says the one who is always too optimistic” I shot back, smiling despite myself.

“Well, ever heard of the saying ‘Faith can move a mountain’?” Kento said pointedly.

“Yeah, only that you could convince yourself to be able to transplant the Fuji” I teased.

“Just the Fuji?” Fuma smirked. “Probably the Mount Everest!”

“Why did you want me to stay here?!” Kento sighed warily, but his lips were twitching, telling me that his annoyance was fake.

“Ask Fuma, I had nothing to do with it” I shrugged, but I could not wipe the smile off my face, somehow. It was weird, how easy it was still to talk to Kento, even after so much time had passed.

Kento glared at Fuma, before he snapped: “Why are you grinning like that?!”

I had to laugh out loud at Fuma’s expression – he was leaning back in his chair, his smile wider than all the mountains we had just talked about, looking more relaxed than ever.

“This feels so nostalgic” he sighed, seeming perfectly happy with our bickering. “I missed this.”

“You enjoy it so much to pick on me?!” Kento sighed, not being able to keep the smile off his face either, by now. “Good to know.”

“Well, your ego is too big, anyways” Fuma shrugged. “It needs some trimming now and then. And our too young new members don’t do the job well enough.”

“Well, that’s true” Kento nodded, his eyes traveling to me again, this time staying to meet my gaze.

And for once, I did not feel like looking away, either.

***

Thirty minutes later, all of us were half lying on our table, laughing loudly about Kento’s story of the Noon Boys’ slip during the last Shounen Club episode. I was aware that the people around us were already looking, but somehow, we felt too hyper to really care.

I don’t know how it had happened that I was suddenly enjoying myself in Kento’s presence again. Rationally, I knew that I was mad at him, and that I did not want to have anything to do with him anymore…

But still, I was here. And I even felt too comfortable to really think about what that meant.

It was then, that Fuma’s cell phone rang. He took a look at it, before excusing himself for a moment. Kento did not pay his absence much attention, continuing his story, and both of us only looked up when Fuma returned, not sitting down again but standing at the table, looking at us with an annoyed expression.

“I have to go” he announced. “My little sister managed to lock herself out, and she needs some papers from her room to prepare for school, and both my parents and my brother are busy… You get the knack.”

“It’s okay” Kento shrugged. “Give your sister a bad conscience that after you especially forced me to stay here, she tore you away or something.”

“I will” he sighed, grabbing his jacket. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry” I smiled. “We’ll have enough opportunities to meet up again.”

“I’ll hold you to that” Fuma warned, before waving at us and turning to leave.

“Fuuuma” Kento sighed, making his band mate freeze. “Your cell phone.”

“Oh” Fuma smirked in embarrassment, turning back to pick his phone up from the table. I had to laugh at his expression. “Anyways, bye” Fuma repeated, this time really leaving.

It left me and Kento in an awkward silence, at first. It was like, now that Fuma was gone, both of us remembered that we were actually not supposed to be talking. It managed to shut up even ever-talking Kento.

The silence continued for almost half a minute, before I said quietly: “I guess I should leave too, then.”

“Wh-what?!” Kento stuttered, taken aback as I reached for my jacket. “No! Wait!”

I froze when Kento leaned over the table to grab my wrist, holding it immobile, keeping me from standing. I needed a moment, to be able to meet his eyes.

And there was something in Kento’s gaze, some kind of emotion that I could not very well interpret. It had been a while, since I had seen Kento show _any_ feelings _at all_ , in my presence. It made my heart speed up a little, though I cursed myself for it.

“Don’t go” Kento murmured, his grip around my wrist tightening. “Just… stay.”

一人きり　夢の中　辿りついた場所  
(Within my dream I reached that place)

I just stared at him for a few seconds, before I asked, half provocatively, half hopefully: “Why?”

I saw Kento gulp nervously.

“Do you really need me to spell it out?” he whispered.

“Yes” I nodded, and when he did not answer right away, I sighed, pulling at my hand to free it from his grasp.

“I miss you, okay?” Kento said finally, making my struggles cease. “I miss you. I want to spend more time with you.”

震えてる君がいるよ  
(where you are waiting, trembling)

I let my eyes meet his again, noticing my resistance melting away. A part of me hated myself for it. I had spend month trying to not think about Kento, busying myself with my anger for him, and now here I was, after merely a few minutes with him, starting to give in again. I was really weak, wasn’t I?

On the other hand, Kento had just said that he was missing me. It was the first time he had spoken up like this. And maybe that did mean something, after all.

Finally, I said: “What do you want to do?”

Kento’s nervous expression changed immediately, turning into an almost blinding smile. It made me smile too, without even meaning to.

“Come with me” he said finally, grabbing his jacket, too. “I want to show you something.”

For a moment, I wondered if it would really be smart to go with him. After all, the last few times Kento and I had been alone had always ended in sex, and feelings I might or might not have for him in honor, but I was not going to fall back into an affair with him. He had enough girls in his contacts, if that was all he wanted.

But then, Kento looked back at me over his shoulder, propping an eyebrow in question, and I noticed that I had already made my decision without even realizing it.

***

Admittedly, though, I did become suspicious when Kento brought me to his house. Even more, when I asked where his parents were, and he told me that they were visiting his aunt in Hokkaido.

“Ummm” I murmured as I slipped out of my shoes, my eyes following Kento as he walked towards the stairs.

I knew that his room was upstairs.

“Kento?” I asked hesitantly, but Kento was already half up, only murmuring a distracted: “Hmm?”

Slowly, I followed him, trying to scramble for words: “Kento, say…”

My words got stuck in my throat, though, when I arrived upstairs, and Kento was standing under the open loop to the attic, ladder in his hand, waiting for me.

“Where are we going?” I blurted out in surprise, frowning.

“I told you I wanted to show you something” Kento reminded me, raising an eyebrow. “Come on, hurry up!”

I blinked, before following his demand. Kento let me climb up before him, following close after me.

The attic was dark, and at first, I did not see a thing. I needed to wait until Kento followed after me, switching on the light.

I blinked against the sudden brightness, slowly realizing where I was standing.

“Is this… a recording studio?” I asked in awe, looking at Kento.

He was smirking and nodding.

“I have begged my parents for ages, and after a while, they finally allowed me to use the attic, but only if I organize and pay everything myself. So I collected all my money from the Junior times, and… Well, I had already started with it before the Sexy Zone debut had been announced” he murmured, making a face. “It was supposed to be for us as a band, as in B.I. Shadow, but then everything fell apart, and… yeah…”

He met my gaze, before ending, a little sadly: “Well, Sexy Zone is not the kind of band to write their own music, so I kind of kept it to myself until now.”

I smiled a little, my eyes traveling over all the equipment and the digital piano in the corner.

“So you really did care for B.I. Shadow, after all” I said quietly, feeling lighter, suddenly, like I had found a missing puzzle piece.

“Of course” Kento murmured, not meeting my gaze. “Have you ever listened to me?! I always said that I wanted to debut with you, and not with some 11-year-olds.”

I smirked, elbowing him.

“Don’t talk like this about your band mates” I scolded him playfully.

“That’s what Fuma always tells me, too” Kento chuckled, looking up at me again, smiling.

We looked at each other for another moment, before my eyes traveled back to the piano, saying longingly: “It’s been ages since I heard you play piano.”

Kento chuckled, asking: “Is that a request?”

“If you want to see it that way” I smirked, and Kento, never needing to be asked twice when it came to playing piano, made his way over to the instrument.

I followed him, leaning against the wall next to the piano as Kento sat down, starting to play.

“空にかざした手のひら“ he sang along to the unfamiliar melody. „今生まれたこの時代の中で僕ら光探している…“

I just leaned back and listened to him, enjoying his voice and the sound of the piano. I had always had a weakness for Kento at the piano… When he was playing, he seemed like this faraway creature, somehow too perfect to be real. Even when Hokuto had only laughed at him when I had once mentioned in front of him that he seemed like an angel when he was playing.

But he did, somehow.

It felt like waking from a trance when Kento ended the song, looking up at me again.

“That’s our debut song” he announced, a little sheepishly. “In a ballad version, of course, and I changed some things…”

“It’s nice” I said, clearing my voice because somehow, it sounded choked. “But I’m probably going to be disappointed now when I hear the real thing.”

Kento laughed, leaning back comfortably on the bench.

“I was always jealous of your skills at the piano” I admitted, pouting. “Or Fuma’s on the guitar… I wished I could play an instrument, too, like, for real, not just a few tunes. I feel not fit as a musician.”

“You want to try?” Kento offered, patting the spot on the bench next to him.

“You know I am deaf to rhythms” I laughed, but Kento shrugged off my protests, continuing to lure me until I gave in.

Kento stood up, letting me take my place in front of the piano. I stared at the keys dumbly, slightly intimidated by the unknown instrument.

I blinked when Kento took my hand in his, spreading out my fingers on the keys and placing his own above them.

“This is a C” he explained, guiding my fingers to play the musical scale. I had troubles concentrating on what he was explaining to me, noticing how close he was suddenly, and how his breath tickled my ear.

It was slightly distracting.

Kento continued teaching me some things, laughing at my disability to imitate the melodies he played for me. It was only when I looked up and said: “It’s just impossible for me, okay?!” that our gazes met again.

Once again, I noticed how close we were. Unconsciously, my eyes traveled to his lips, before I gulped, looking back up to his eyes.

Both of us fell silent, and another moment passed before Kento moved. One of his hands grabbed mine tighter, and the other found my cheek to guide my face closer to his as he bend down.

I closed my eyes when his lips met mine, letting all the feelings I had tried so hard to hold back crush down on me again.

The kiss was soft and gentle, as if Kento expected me to push him away any moment, and I needed a few seconds to realize that the hand at my cheek was shaking.

Out of an instinct, I raised my own free hand to his, and it made Kento break our kiss to look at me.

I opened my mouth to say something, but Kento was faster, whispering, almost brokenly: “Gosh, I _really_ missed you, Yugo…”

泣かないで　離さないよ  
(Don’t cry, I won’t  let go)

It was my undoing. My lips were back on his faster than I had even formed the decision in my head.

I knew that it should feel wrong, but instead, it felt the as right as I had not felt for months.


	7. 愛なんて (3)

Yugo’s POV

One arm found its way around Kento’s neck as our kiss deepened, tightening and pulling him down to me further. It made Kento stumble, and his hand let go of mine to catch himself on the piano, resulting in a screeching noise from the keys. We did not let it break our kiss, though, and Kento clumsily lowered himself onto the bench next to me before reciprocating, his arms sneaking around my waist to pull me further against him.

My heart was hammering so heavily against my chest that I wondered if he could not feel it from the way we were pressed against each other, but on the other hand, he seemed still shaky in the way he was holding me, too, so I figured that maybe, it was okay.

Still, he was the first one to take our kiss farther again, to slip his hands under my sweatshirt and feel the heat of my skin… For a moment, I wondered if I should stop him, trying to ignore the warm feeling his fingers tracing patterns on my skin created inside of me…

But, if I was really honest with myself, I knew that I did not want to stop him. Even if I still did not have a clue about Kento’s feelings, or if I would not know what would happen when the passion ebbed off again and we’re faced with figuring out what that thing between us means… I would not be here, if I really would not want it to happen.

全てを投捨てても  
(I would leave everything behind for you)

When Kento broke our kiss to start nibbling on my neck, I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and taking in everything that was happening… The goosebumps Kento’s fingers and lips caused me, the way that even though everything was still unsure, I felt _safe_ in Kento’s arms, and the way his scent filling my lungs made me forget all my intentions for protest…

Feeling all of this again, after such a long break, I had to admit it to myself: I was in love with Kento. My struggles had been futile from the start.

Not voicing my thoughts out loud, I just held onto him tightly, shivering when his tongue started teasing the point where my shoulder met my neck.

未来なんて　君なしじゃ　  
(Such a thing as the future, if you’re not there)  
見えないよ　  
(I can’t see it)

I leaned back a little unintentionally, making the piano bench we were sitting on shake dangerously and Kento hold onto the instrument again, causing an unhealthy sounding tone. Kento cursed under his breath. His lips tickled my skin and I needed a moment to be able to concentrate on his words as he spoke.

“We should shift this somewhere else, if we don’t want my poor piano to die” he suggested.

I looked up at him hesitantly, trying to read his face, and as if he had just realized how his invitation sounded, he backpedaled, blabbering: “I mean, only if you want to, it’s just, this bench is not very comfortable, and maybe-“

I laid a finger over his lips, shushing him with a smile. He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, and there was a moment of silence, before I murmured: “The couch over there seems comfortable enough.”

I could feel Kento’s exhale of relief against my finger, and my smile turned into a grin before I reached for his hand, raising myself from my position, taking him with me.

When we were halfway across the room, though, Kento let go of my hand and told me to wait for a moment. I frowned at him, and then watched for a good minute how he awkwardly tampered with the couch, which was apparently convertible into a daybed. When he was done, he drew a thin cover from a cupboard, before finally looking back at me.

I raised an eyebrow at him, before stating: “No, that does not seem planned at all.”

“Oh, what the-?!” Kento groaned, exasperated. “I just wanted us to be comfortable, and it’s autumn and _cold_ and-“

“Okay, okay” I laughed, slumping down on the couch next to him, pulling him close. “Just saying. I’m not used to you being so considerate.”

“You make it sound like I’m a dragon” Kento glared.

“Well…” I trailed off suggestively, squealing when Kento’s hands went for my sides, attacking them with tickling fingers.

Now that was unfair. I had never once found a point where Kento was ticklish.

When he was done with me, we were stretched out fully on the couch, with him hovering above me as I tried to regain my breathing. Kento looked down at me with a smile, and our eyes met, and for a moment, I wondered how I had managed to live without him in my life for so long.

My heart pounded uncomfortably as Kento leaned in for another kiss.

いらないよ  
(I don’t need it)

From that point on, everything seemed to fall into place again, without much input by any of just… It just happened by itself, as if it was supposed to.

Kento’s hands found the way underneath my shirt again, this time tracing my stomach and chest, exploring everything as if it was the first time he was feeling it. I did not protest, when he started to remove the annoying piece of cloth, only raised my arms willingly to help him.

By the time his lips started to join his hands in their quest, I was already shivering all over, though not from the cold, because I felt more than hot by now. It was only when Kento’s tongue disappeared into my belly button, though, and his hands found his way to the zipper of my jeans, that I had the mind to realize that Kento was still wearing way too many clothes.

So I tucked at the back of his woolen jacket a little desperately, but he still got the message, sitting up to start to remove his clothes.

I watched, a little out of breath, how each piece of clothing fell, my eyes glued to his skin, finding it harder and harder to contain myself, suddenly. When he raised off the couch to kick off his jeans, his hair fell into his face, and before I knew it, I had reached out to him already, pulling him back onto the couch and into another kiss.

Kento let out a surprised gasp, obviously not used to this kind of aggressive behavior by me, but he did not seem to complain, letting himself fall back onto the couch to hover above me, catching himself with his hands at the sides of my head.

It was my turn now, to run my hands over the skin of his back, his arms, his chest, his stomach… But Kento, never the passive one, grinded his hips down against mine as soon as it obviously became too much for him, drawing a choked moan out of me.

It did not take long afterwards, until the rest of our clothes lay scattered on the floor. Feeling Kento’s bare skin on mine made me realize once more what I had been so desperately missing those last few months, even if I had tried my best to convince myself otherwise.

I was so indulged in Kento and his touch that I almost missed the way his fingers found his way to my backside, suddenly tracing my entrance. I froze in surprise, and Kento looked at me a little worriedly.

“You don’t want to?” he whispered.

“That’s not it” I replied, a little breathless. “Just… be careful. It’s been a while.”

Kento’s lips set into a thin line before he nodded, diving in for another kiss. After that, he was extremely gentle and slow, preparing me with a patience I did not know of him, and even if it made me happy to have him show that much care about me, it felt like teasing, since I was used to other things with him.

“Kento” I moaned at last, digging my heels into the couch as he traced my sweet spot repeatedly, continuing, a little fuzzy-minded: “If you don’t start with the real stuff like _now_ , I’m going to leave and do it myself.”

Kento looked up from where his lips had closed around one of my nipples, seeming amused.

“And how do you intend on doing that, alone?” he enquired, but before I could snap back at him, he had already redrawn his fingers and found my hands instead, holding them to the sofa next to my head.

We locked eyes, and then, I felt his erection pressing to my entrance. My lids fell closed on their own accord, taking in the sensation of feeling Kento so intimately again. But then, I heard Kento whisper my name, and when I did not react, he repeated it again, his hand letting go of mine to stroke my hair out of my face.

“Yugo, look at me” he murmured, and when I finally opened my eyes again to blink at him in slight confusion, it threw me a little how dark the orbs I was met with were. We just looked at each other for a moment, before Kento finally moved, entering me.

I moaned deeply at the contact, and Kento bend down to catch my lips with his again.

Kento was good in everything he did, and so he was even in bed. He easily slid into the perfect rhythm, hitting me just right without even trying. Sometimes, I wondered how the world could be so unfair and collect all these talents in one person, but right now, I was too far gone to care, just appreciating whatever he did with me.

Also, compared to me, Kento was very quiet during sex – while I had difficulties to swallow my moans and whimpers whenever we were together, Kento would usually hush me and remain almost silent, the only sign of what he was doing being his breathlessness. So I was more than a little surprised when, in a moment he hit me just right with his movements, making me tighten down at the feeling, he clung to me more desperately suddenly, a low moan escaping his lips.

It made me sober up enough to realize that I could do it purposefully and squeeze the same sound out of him again. I took my pleasure in that for a while, until Kento whimpered my name and sped up his movements, making me forget everything but what he was doing to me…

I was not sure who of us reached his peak first, or if we came at the same time, even, too engaged in my own high, but when I came down again, Kento was still, hugging me close and leaning his head against mine, breathing still out of control.

There was a moment of comfortable silence between us, before I murmured: “Kento?”

“Huh?” he barely breathed, raising his head enough to look at me.

“I missed you, too” I admitted finally, stroking his sweaty hair out of his eyes to be able to look at him properly. Kento just kept my gaze for a moment, before he broke out into one of his huge smiles, making me smile with him.

***

When I woke up again, the sun was starting to rise, shining through the little window at the ceiling of the attic. That was not what had woken me up, though – I blinked in confusion, instinctively trying to blow the hair I felt in my face away, until I noticed that the reason I was being so warm and comfortable was that I was still lying in Kento’s arms, my face pressed to his neck.

朝のひ陽射しに  
(This morning’s rays of sunlight)

Carefully, I disentangled myself from his grip, managing to sit up without waking him. I looked down at Kento’s sleeping face, smiling at the way the corners of his lips seemed to be tucked up slightly even in his dreams.

君の寝顔と　照れた笑顔で　  
(Your sleeping face and your awkward smile)

It was then, that I realized what had woken me.

“Damn” I murmured, crawling out of the blanket that Kento had thrown over us last night, following the sound of my vibrating phone. I had forgotten to call home last night. My mother would be frantic, realizing that I had not returned home last night.

Quietly, I rummaged through our clothes on the floor, having difficulty to find my jeans with the little light around, but finally, I found the source of the vibration, drawing my iPhone out of the pocket…

Only to stare dumbly at the screen. Because instead of the word “Mum”, who’s caller ID I had expected, there was an unknown girls name blinking up.

“Risa-Chan?” I whispered to myself, searching my tired brain for a face… Until I realized it was not my phone that I was holding.

My heart sank. The vibration stopped, and the display showed now “1 missed call from Risa-Chan” and “1 message”.

Before I had even realized what I was doing, I had already opened the message, reading.

_“Ken-Chan~~~ Where are you? You promised me to come by tonight… I feel lonely :-(“_

My face hardened, reality coming crashing down on me again in full force.

What had I been thinking?!

嬉しくなれるかな  
(Can we become happy?)

Kento’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“What are you doing?” he murmured in confusion, sitting up. His eyes were sleepy, but sobered up the moment he saw my expression. “What are you doing?” he repeated, looking at me with a frown.

I threw the phone to him onto the couch, searching for my own jeans.

“Risa-Chan is demanding you” I said bitterly.

Kento was quiet for a moment, before he asked, a little incredulous: “Have you been spying on me?!”

I laughed at the ridiculousness of his words.

“I thought it was my phone that was ringing!” I snapped. “I don’t need to spy on you to know that you sleep with every girl that looks too long into your direction!”

“What the-?!” Kento gasped, looking at me like I had just grown a second head. “Where is this suddenly coming from?!” When I did not answer, finally finding my jeans and slipping into them, he continued, a little louder: “You’ve been ignoring me for 2 months straight, if I may remind you! You have no right to throw a jealousy fit now! We’ve not been together, so-“

“Yes, I know” I snapped, glaring at him. “We’ve _never_ been. Thanks for reminding me again.”

Kento’s jaw clenched, face all hard lines as he glared back.

そんな日々を感じた愛よ　  
(The love that I felt that day)

“Last night was a mistake” I said finally, shaking my head. Kento did not react, only holding my glare until I bend down to pick up my sweat shirt, putting it back on.

“Fine” Kento groaned finally, obviously angry. “Do whatever you want! It’s not like I ever forced you to sleep with me!”

I ignored his words and his anger, just grabbing my things and heading for the trap door.

“Don’t think I will come to you again!” Kento called after me, apparently trying to provoke me. “This was the last time.”

永遠に  
(Will last forever)

“I won’t” I snapped back, not looking at him as I made my way down the ladder.

I heard Kento throw something through the room, but I did not turn back to look for him.

***

It was only when I sat in the first morning train home that my feelings caught up with me. I was sitting almost alone in the compartment, my phone clutched in my hand. Indeed, I had a dozen missed calls and messages from my mother, but as my eyes swam with tears, I could not focus on them.

Seriously, what had I been thinking? It was not like I had ever meant anything to Kento. He had always been out for fun, nothing more, and I was an easy target. If I was not there, some other girl would do. It was as simple as that.

I had known that. Still, now that I had finally admitted my own feelings to myself, it hurt twice as much.

愛しても　  
(No matter how much I love you)  
愛しきれない  
(it is never enough)

“I’m so stupid” I whispered to myself, burying my face in my hands, aware that the girls on the other side of the compartment were watching me.


	8. Frozen Sky (1)

Yugo’s POV

Almost unexpectedly, at least for me, my drama role in Shiritsu Bakaleya Koukou turned out to be the best thing that had happened to me in a long, long time.

砕け裂く波 _(The smashing break of the waves)_

For too long, I had been focused only on my ex band, and as much as I treasured the friendship to Hokuto and Fuma, they had done nothing to light up the darkness that had kept itself constantly in my heart ever since that one night in autumn. Could not, when both of them had their own demons to fight.

吠えゆがむ風 _(The strained howling of the wind)_

Meeting the other Juniors who starred in the drama alongside us, though, seemed to be exactly what both Hokuto and I had needed. It was like, after we had lost B.I. Shadow, we had finally found a new home.

I had not known much about Tanaka Juri before I had met him, besides him being the brother of KAT-TUN’s Tanaka Koki, and while that fact in itself was a little scary, he had managed to crack me up in about the second I met him. He was ever-talking, lightning up his whole surrounding with his humor, and I guess he was the main reason why our not-yet-official unit ended up growing together so well in a matter of two months.

Kyomoto Taiga, with his seriousness and professionalism, seemed to build the perfect counterpart to Hokuto. I saw them more than once sitting in a corner, holding discussions about the script or choreographies for the Shounen Club… And while I was always worried about Hokuto working himself to death lately, it felt that in those discussions, the light came back to his eyes, so I just kept quiet and was silently thankful to Taiga.

Morimoto Shintaro, as the baby among us, gave all of us something to fuss over. Fuma had once told me that he enjoyed taking care of the younger ones in Sexy Zone, claiming it gave him some purpose in the band, and meeting Shintaro, I fully understood what he was talking about. Even if Shintaro seemed more embarrassed than anything else about all our attention, it gave me a good feeling, to go over the script with him and help him with his lines.

And Lewis Jesse… When we had all met, he had been that awkward shy kid, not really daring to speak up, reminding me a little of myself back when I had joined B.I. Shadow. Unintentionally, I had copied Kento’s method of cracking my walls back then, which had been teasing me out of my skin until I reciprocated. Turned out that Jesse, once he began to show his real face to us, was almost as hyper and babbling as Juri, and definitely as crazy as me on a level that it was almost scary.

Maybe it was because our characters came kind of as a double, and consequently, we spent the most time together on set, but we just clicked, and before I knew it, we had turned into best friends. Being with Jesse was different than being with Hokuto and Fuma – my old band mates knew, without _really_ knowing, a part of me that, if I could choose, I just wanted to burry and forget. With Jesse, though, everything was easy, and I could laugh with him from the bottom of my heart.

一筋の光信じもがき続ける _(A single stray of light keeps burning as hope)_

Not everything was easy and fun, though. While the other members just saw our Bakaleya unit as THE chance for a debut and the start of their careers, putting all their hopes into it, Hokuto and I were obviously traumatized by our former experiences. A short but serious talk with Hokuto about what would happen if Johnny broke us up again, and Hokuto’s unstoppable tears when we finished filming Bakaleya showed me how deep the wounds of B.I. Shadow’s break up were still for him, as well, even though he had always done his best to hide them.

Yes, we were finally feeling at home in a unit again. Which made thinking about the possibility of being torn apart again all the scarier.

Still, I tried to keep those thoughts to myself the best I could. I was the oldest of the band, and while I had already been in that position in B.I. Shadow, if only by a few days, I had never felt any responsibility from it. Now, I did, though, feeling that, when I saw the other members almost bursting from enthusiasm about our projects, voicing my fears would disrespect their efforts.

Bakaleya and my new friends kept my thoughts so busy that I almost stopped thinking about Kento. I barely saw him anymore, what with both of us being busy, and when I crossed ways with him at school or work, I pointedly avoided his gaze. And Kento, also, had never as much as raised his voice to me.

Until that day.

今は名前のない感情に背中押され _(Now a feeling without name pushes me backwards)_

It had been nothing special, really. Jesse and I had just been making our way from a photo shooting back to our dressing room, chatting away happily, Jesse whining loudly when I began teasing him.

“You know that I’m useless when it comes to maths!” he moaned, clinging to me like a giant leech, poking his chin into my shoulder a little painfully. “That’s why I asked you to help me! Or do you want my Mum to call Johnny and tell him I have to take a break from work because ‘she is not satisfied with my school work’?!”

“I already said I would help you, didn’t I?” I laughed, amused by his overdramatic scenarios. “Though I still don’t get why you ask _me_ , of all people. I’m only average when it comes to maths. Ask Taiga, I heard he is a genius with numbers!”

“But studying with Taiga is scary” he complained, making a face. “He seems like he would shout at me the moment I don’t get something. I could also study with my Dad, if that was what I wanted.”

I chuckled, and it was that moment that I noticed Jesse suddenly freezing around me. I blinked, and before I could even ask what was wrong, he had already let go of me and taken a huge step back, putting as much distance between us as he could in the matter of a second.

It all happened too sudden for me to comprehend what was going on. I looked back at Jesse, about to ask what was wrong, when the intimidated look in his face threw me a little.

I turned around, to see what he was staring at, and was met with familiar brown eyes, burning in an intensity which I had not seen in a long time.

Well, I had not allowed myself to meet those eyes for months, either.

I did not know when Kento had come into hearing or seeing distance, too engaged in my conversation with Jesse, but it seemed like, as soon as he had realized that we were there, he had frozen in his steps, sending a glare that, if Jesse’s fidgeting behind me was anything to go by, had my new younger band mate wanting to run and hide.

I, on the other hand, had been victim of enough of Kento’s mood swings to not be as affected anymore. So I just held his gaze for a moment, before I turned back to Jesse, murmuring a cold: “Let’s go”, not even ready to acknowledge Kento’s presence.

Jesse only gaped.

“Y-you know what, I’ll just… go ahead” Jesse murmured unsurely, his eyes dancing back and forth between me and Kento. “I’ll just wait in our dressing room while you… talk. Or I won’t wait. Whichever. Take your time.”

I was just about to tell him that there was really no need, and I had no intention to talk to Kento whatsoever, when I felt a hand closing around my wrist so hard that it hurt. My head whirled around, ready to snap at Kento, but he was already passing me, pulling me after him in a firm grip.

I tried to struggle, but Kento was stronger than me, making me follow him easily.

“What the hell?!” I spluttered, an equal amount of anger and bewilderment at Kento’s actions leaving me incapable of forming whole sentences. “NAKAJIMA! Will you let go-“

Kento threw a door open, and I had just enough time to realize that it was the bathroom before I was being thrown against a wall. I flinched at the force with which my shoulders hit the hard surface, and then, arms landed on both sides of my head, caging me between Kento and the wall.

He was so close that I could not even focus on his whole face, instead letting our eyes meet, noticing they had turned dark in anger.

“Are you sleeping with Lewis?!” Kento  groaned, and I could feel his breath on my lips, he was that close. “Are you?!”

My first instinct was to laugh. Like, seriously?! Nakajima Kento, who was currently on his way to steal Fujigaya the title of Johnny’s playboy Number 1, was throwing a jealousy fit over _Jesse_?! Jesse and my friendship was nothing if not platonic, and damnit, after everything that had happened in B.I. Shadow, I knew better than to start a relationship with a band mate again! Plus, Jesse was a hundred per cent straight!

I did not say any of those things out loud, though. Instead, I took in Kento’s expression, as much as I could, being as close as I was, noticing that his hands were balled and shaking slightly at the sides of my head, that he was breathing a little too hard, and that, if possible, his eyes were turning even darker with each passing second.

After everything that had happened, it made me almost smug, to see him this undone about something I was doing. Even if I was not really doing anything, but maybe, if it made him suffer, he should think that it was true just a little longer.

So, instead of declining it, the evil part of me made me smile sweetly, before I murmured: “And what if I am?”

Kento just continued staring at me, and I raised my eyebrows a little smugly before pushing at his hand on my right side, wanting to leave.

Kento, though, would not have any of that. Instead, he threw me back against the wall with a force that knocked the breath out of me, and before I could even try to refill my lungs, his lips were on mine.

_Don’t love me, don’t touch me_

The last kisses we had shared on that night in autumn had been gentle and full of passion. The way Kento’s lips moved against mine now, though, was aggressive and ruthless.

闇 抜けるまで _(Until I escape this darkness)_

I groaned in protest, raising my hands to his shoulders to push him away, but Kento caught them with his, surprising me by pinning them against the wall above my head.

I struggled and bit Kento’s lip, but that only seemed to fuel him on. He kept both my arms up with one of his hands, taking full advantage of his greater strength and the better angle to dampen my struggles.

Then, I felt his free hand under my shirt.

_Don’t kiss me, don’t believe me_

Kento’s touch, until now, had always managed to lure me into whatever he wanted, being so convincing because of how it made me feel.

Now, it made me panic. Because this was clearly not the Kento I knew. He had always been dominant, yes, but never once had he only turned the slightest bit violent. He had, until now, never forced me to anything.

I continued to struggle, but Kento did not seem to care. When he released my lips, he only lowered his mouth to my neck, sucking at the junction of where it met my shoulders, knowing fairly well that this point made me weak.

Today, all it managed to do was intensify my shaking.

孤独手なずけるまで _(Until I win over the loneliness)_

“Kento, stop it” I demanded, but my voice was so weak that it seemed to barely count as more than a whisper. Kento did not take note of it.

Instead, his free hand went for my jeans, unbuckling my belt.

“I said stop!” I repeated, this time a little louder.

Still, Kento did not react. His lips wandered to my collarbone, nibbling on it, and his fingers were undoing the zipper of my jeans now.

It was then, that I started to kick in my panic. I hit Kento in a sensitive place, and he gasped, loosening his grip on my hands, which allowed me, finally, to free them, pushing him away with all my might.

高く高く光阻む空の向こう _(High, high beyond the sky that hinders the light)_

Kento stumbled, looking up at me in bewilderment, and in that moment, my fist connected with his jaw.

“I said no, damnit!” I screamed at him, and Kento was holding his face where I had hit him, looking up at me with big eyes. “I am no object you can just take whenever you feel like it! You have NO RIGHT to do that!” I continued, my voice shrill, and I kept my hands balled in fists to keep them from shaking.

And to strike out again, if necessary.

Kento’s face was pale, suddenly, as if my words had drained all blood from it. He was taking a shaky breath, and he opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off, not even letting him start.

“Don’t you dare touch me ever again, or I swear, you will regret it!” I snapped, clenching my jaw and glaring at him.

Kento just stared at me, looking as if he was not entirely sure what had happened, and then, I pushed past him, storming out of the door. I heard him murmur my name before the door fell closed behind me.

I was still shaking uncontrollably, as I made my way through the corridors, almost running towards our dressing room. I felt my eyes stinging, but bit my lip, desperate to keep my emotions in check.

I did almost not notice, when I bumped into someone. It was only when a hand landed on my wrist, stopping me in my tracks, that I realized the presence of another person.

The grip on my wrist was not hard, but still, I pulled my hand away as if the touch burned, whirling around.

Then, I recognized Fuma, staring at me with wide eyes.

“Yugo” he breathed, obviously taken aback. “What – are you okay? Did something happen?”

It was all I could do to shake my head.

“No” I murmured confusedly. “I-“

Fuma was taking in my face, obviously worried, and, scared what he might see in it, I turned away.

“Excuse me” I just murmured, before dashing down the last few steps, into our dressing room.

It was empty, and Jesse’s things were gone. Apparently, he had been too intimidated by Kento’s behavior to wait around for me. I was kind of glad he hadn’t. It kept me from more unnecessary questions.

Shakily, I let myself fall onto my chair, taking in my appearance in the mirror – my hair was slightly messed up at the back of my head, the neat hairstyle from the photo shoot ruined by my struggles against the wall. I was pale, my eyes were bloodshot and wide, and my lips slightly puffed from Kento’s aggressive kisses.

I looked down at my hands. The skin on a knuckle was slightly cracked where it had hit Kento’s jaw, and my wrists were red where I had struggled against his grip. My fingers were still shaking.

I tried to take a deep breath, but it did not work, as I seemed to be hyperventilating. So I lowered my head into my hands, closing my eyes and tried to concentrate only on the way I could hear my heartbeat droning in my ears, trying to calm it down.

_Frozen Sky_

***

Fuma’s POV

I still stared after where Yugo had disappeared, his wide eyes and his pale face clear in front of my eyes.

Something must have happened. I knew it. Something could not be right.

In reflex, I took a few steps to the dressing room Yugo had disappeared in, wanting to follow him… When I heard a familiar voice, making me freeze.

“Are you searching for someone?”

I gulped, before I turned around, looking into Hokuto’s dark eyes. His face was schooled into a blank professionalism, showing no trace of realization that this was the first time he was addressing me in months.

I took a shaky breath, trying to keep it together. I had never been good at pretending that I did not care, not like he was, but at least, I had learned to not break down into a desperate mess anymore whenever I saw him.

“I just…” I murmured, clearing my throat to steady my voice. “Do you know if something happened to Yugo?”

Hokuto stared at me, blinking, taking in my words, and his usual concern for his friends broke his poker face, making him frown in worry.

“No” he shook his head. “When he left the photo shoot with Jesse a while ago, everything was fine. Why?”

“I just saw him, and…” I murmured, frowning to myself, not sure how to end the sentence. “I don’t know, something seemed off.” I looked up at Hokuto uncertainly, and he threw a glance to their dressing room door.

“Can you just check if he’s alright?” I asked hesitantly, catching Hokuto’s eye again. “Maybe he will tell you what happened, I don’t know, but-“

“Okay, I will check” Hokuto nodded.

I send him a small smile, before I nodded and forced my feet to move, passing him. Hokuto did not say anything more, and I heard him open the dressing room door behind me and disappear through it.

I sighed, slumping down the corridor towards the bathroom, which had been my original destination. I was still engaged in my own thoughts as I entered it, going for one of the deserted stalls – when I heard a choked noise.

I froze, realizing that I was not alone. Carefully, I let my eyes wander, spotting a shadow falling beneath the little crack of the closed door of a stall on the other side of the bathroom. Someone was sitting crawled together on the floor.

And another noise came from the stall, and this time, I recognized it very clearly as a held back sob.

I hesitated, wondering if I should just ignore it, when my eyes fell onto the sneakers I could see through the slid between door and floor.

I had seen that green design often enough to recognize it anywhere.

“Kento?” I asked quietly, taking a few steps to the stall, waiting for him to answer, but there was no reaction.

I stared at the door of the stall, realizing, with a pang of relief, that he had not locked it.

“Kento?” I called again, and when he did still not react, I reached for the door knob, opening it slowly.

I was greeted with a sight that was completely new to me, and therefore scared the heck out of me – Kento was sitting on the floor, curled together, face smashed into his knees, shaking uncontrollably. Also, he was obviously crying, muffling sobs into the fabric of his jeans.

It was not the first time I had seen Kento cry. Actually, he had built close to the water, shedding tears for the most ridiculous thing – a good movie, a birthday present, happy news or simply of frustration when he was too ambitious and mad at himself for not managing something he was set on doing. But never, in one of those many times, had I seen him like this, so totally broken down.

It knocked the breath out of me for a moment, and I just stared at him, before I managed to make myself move.

“Kento, what happened?” I murmured worriedly, kneeling down next to him. I lay a hand onto his shoulder, but he did not look up at me. “Kento?” I tried again, this time shaking him, but still, no reaction. “Kento!” I said gently, hesitating before reaching out to him, putting my arms around him.

Kento seemed to only cry harder in my embrace, and I was at a loss of what to do. I had been comforted by friends often enough in a similar condition, sure, but never, even once, had I been at this side of the scenery. It made me admire Yugo, for having had the strength to deal with my depressions all this time.

After a while, I tried to speak up again, simply repeating: “Kento, what happened? Please tell me.”

Kento did not react again, at first, and then, after a few seconds of silence, he whispered a broken: “I hate myself.”

I only stared at the back of his head, his face still smashed into his knees, refusing to look at me.

“I hate myself so much” he continued, sobbing and tightening his grip on his legs. It looked as if he wanted to crawl in on himself and never come out to the sunlight again.

I did not know what to do. I just held onto Kento tightly, feeling him shaking in my arms.

_Frozen Sky_


	9. Frozen Sky (2)

Kento’s POV

I still had no idea how I had ended up in a situation like this. Everything should have been perfect – I debuted a while ago, in a band with at least one of my best friends, my career was going straight upwards… 

And still, here I was, sitting on the floor in a toilet of the agency buildings, crying my eyes out in Fuma’s arms. 

凍りついた空は _The frozen sky_

I had told myself that it would be alright, after B.I. Shadow had broken up. Sure, I had always felt awfully attached to this band, and had counted on us debuting together for sure… But we had not been the first Junior unit to break apart. Others had been in the same position, and it had turned out fine, so it would for us, too.

So I had tried to put everything into this new band of ours, giving all I could to bring our young band mates to a level that would give us success… And it had turned out well, in a way. We were doing fine in our first few months. Of course, we still had a long way in front of us, but if we kept up the hard work, it would be okay.

I had told myself that I would be fine, even without Yugo and Hokuto by my side. And in a way, I was… When you saw it rationally. 

But life did not work rationally, did it?

When Yugo had freaked out on me the day the news of Sexy Zone’s debut had spilled, I had been at a loss of what to do. In a way, I had known, of course, that Yugo had had a right to be mad. I should have just talked to him beforehand. We should have talked about a lot of things, but somehow, I had never had the courage to face the situation head-on. 

I had never been good, with relationship stuff. Getting too attached and getting your heart broken… It just scared me. Seeing the way Fuma and Hokuto had fallen head over heels in love with each other, not thinking about the consequences… I had admired it, a little, because it did not seem possible for me. 

But then, there had been Yugo. Something about him had irked me from the day I had met him… He had been this shy, awkward kid with that nervous smile, and somehow, I had just wanted to push and push him until that smile grew out to be this stunningly bright grin that was so typical for him. 

Before I had known it, I had put more thought into Yugo’s smile than I was comfortable with. Still, I could not stop it… The pushing turned to endless teasing, the teasing turned to affectionate fighting, the affectionate fighting turned to too much closeness, and then, I had found myself craving for much, much more. 

It had been a steady process, Yugo and me falling into what we had turned out to be. I could not stop myself from wanting Yugo, in every way possible, but still, I had managed to convince myself that I had the situation under control. That I was not falling like Hokuto and Fuma were. 

Because if we were, and it did not turn out well, what would come out of it? We would break a gap into the only group of friends I had ever felt home in. We would possibly destroy every chance for a debut we had worked so hard for. And on top of it, I would have lost one of my best friends.

So I had tried to keep whatever we were in a controllable dimension, fooling myself into thinking that if I did not think too deeply about my feelings, maybe, they would not turn out to be that deep, either.

この胸の幻想 _The illusions in this heart_

Yugo was different, though. I noticed, of course, how he was looking at Hokuto and Fuma, longing for something like they had. I would have been stupid to not notice it. I had just been too shit-scared to face Yugo’s feelings. 

Why change what we were? It worked. That was what I had told myself.

Then, Johnny had started mentioning the break-up of B.I. Shadow to us. And still, I had continued to lead myself on, thinking that, if I managed to ignore the danger long enough, it would disappear. Because if I had let myself face the problem, I would have had to admit to myself how scared out of my mind I was at the thought of losing B.I. Shadow.

And of losing Yugo.

I had continued ignoring the situation, until it had been too late, and Yugo had screamed at me. Of course, he had had all right to. I would have maybe freaked, too, if the situation had been reversed. I had known, in that moment, that I would need to do something, to still fix this. 

Only Yugo was so difficult to handle, when he got mad like this. I had not known what to say or do when he had become all closed up, refusing to even listen. The situation had overstrained me. 

And then, Fuma had come into focus again, and seeing Yugo hug Fuma when he had screamed at me just a minute ago… It had hurt me more than I had wanted to admit. 

So I had turned away, refusing to face the pain. Again. Because that was what I was best at: running. 

立ちつくした何を恐れて _Standing stock still in fear_

Only with losing both B.I. Shadow and Yugo, and having Fuma in some kind of suicidal mood, I had lost about everything that had made out who I was. Leaving me with a hole that I had not been sure how to fill. 

So I had chased one affair after the other, one girl following the next, thinking that, if I had others to fulfill my needs, it would keep me from always wanting and missing Yugo. And it had worked, more or less. At least, when Yugo was nowhere near. 

But then, he had been right there again, when Fuma had forced us together in that small café on that rainy day, and suddenly, I had realized that it did _not_ work. That I was _not_ okay with just any girl, as long as I was not alone.

That I wanted only Yugo, and no one else. 

In that one night, I had been ready to leave all of my fears and doubts behind. To let myself just feel what I felt, and to just admit to myself that I was, indeed, in love with Yugo. That all my struggles had been in vain.

It had been blissful, for a few hours. Before Yugo had freaked on me again, leaving me at a loss of what to do, what to say. One harsh word had followed the other, and then, he was gone again, suddenly.

And it had hurt more than ever. It had made me close in on myself again, making me turn to girls once more, for comfort, only finding that, this time, it did not work. Having had Yugo close again after such a long time had shown me what kind of a farce everything else I could have with these girls was, and each date, each night in someone else’s bed left me feeling more alone than ever. Until I had just stopped trying. 

I had begun watching Yugo from far again, seeing him actually doing fine without me, and seeming happy with his new band mates, and it had left me unable to reach out to him again. Besides, I knew how stubborn Yugo could be. Hokuto had still not forgiven Fuma, after all this time, so why should Yugo even as much as look at me once I tried to talk to him? 

It was hard, to work up the courage for something that was most probably fruitless.

But then, I had seen Yugo with Jesse, and the jealousy had made me snap. I had not been myself, when I had grabbed Yugo and dragged him through the corridors. All that had been ruling my mind was that I did not want to lose him, not to Jesse, and not to anyone. 

I had only snapped out of it when Yugo had kicked and punched me. Seeing the look in his eyes, at once, I realized what I was doing. 

That I had actually tried to force myself on him, using violence on the one I loved. 

What kind of person had I become?

_Frozen Sky_

It had made all of my carefully built up façade crumble into ruins, leaving me in the condition Fuma had found me in. Fuma kept on trying to calm me down, trying to get any information out of me, but I was too shocked at my own behavior to even let his words reach me. 

I don’t know how long we sat there, with Fuma just holding me and whispering me shushed words of encouragement, until he finally managed to make me talk.

“I swear, Kento” Fuma said at last, losing his patience with me. “If you don’t tell me what is wrong in, like, 5 seconds, I’m going to call some senpai and hand you over to make you crack. I bet Takki would do the job just fine!”

The thought of Takki, of all people, seeing me in this condition, was something that was even scarier than telling Fuma what had happened.

So I finally took a deep breath, closing my eyes, and murmuring, without even looking at Fuma: “I just tried to rape Yugo.”

There was a long pause, in which I could just feel Fuma’s eyes on me, but I did not say anything more, and did not dare to meet his gaze, either, and Fuma seemed just frozen.

“… Start from the beginning” Fuma said finally, obviously confused. Maybe he was thinking I had lost my mind. Fair enough; maybe I had. 

“Where is the beginning?” I choked, trying to get the tremors both in my body and in my voice under control enough so that I could at least form whole words and sentences. “When I lured Yugo into that affair and made him hate me?”

“What affair?!” Fuma prodded, his voice a little higher now in obvious frustration. “Kento, what the heck are you talking about?!”

I lowered my head back down so my forehead rested against my knees, closing my eyes before I started talking again. 

“Yugo and I had this thing” I finally whispered, so low that I was surprised that Fuma could even hear me.

“What thing?” Fuma continued, shaking me slightly with a harsh grip on my shoulder. “You mean you were together?!”

“No” I murmured incoherently. “Or yes. I don’t know. It was complicated.”

“How can that be complicated?!” Fuma demanded incredulously. “Either you are together or not!” I almost had to laugh at Fuma’s logic, because for him, it really was as simple as that. He was either 100% invested or nothing – halfway things did not exist for him. 

Sometimes, I wished my life was that easy as well.

“It was complicated as in ‘we slept with each other and never talked about it’” I finally brought, almost snapping it at Fuma. “Is that what you want to hear?!”

Fuma only blinked at me, the color draining from his face suddenly. 

“Oh” he just said.

“Yeah” I murmured, clearing my voice.

“But… when?!” Fuma finally brought out, still incredulous.

“Around the same time you and Hokuto were together.”

“What?!” Fuma squeaked. “But how did we not notice that?! I had no clue about it!”

“We were good at hiding” I murmured bitterly. After all, I had always made sure that we were alone when I had touched Yugo. It kind of came as a package with the whole ‘running away’ thing. 

“So, you…” Fuma stuttered, apparently not sure himself what he wanted to say. “He… you… “

“Yugo broke up with me after the news that Sexy Zone would debut” I continued finally.

“I thought you were never together?” Fuma blinked. “Then how can you break up?”

It was a fair enough question, still, it hit me where it hurt. 

“You know what I mean!” I snapped, a little desperate. “He just freaked because I did not tell him anything, and refused to talk to me anymore, and-“

“So you decided sleeping with other women would be a good idea?” Fuma challenged. “Because that so helps the problem?”

I fell quiet, ashamed of how dead-on-right he was.

“Oh, Kento, seriously!” Fuma groaned, shaking his head. “What the heck?! Shall I tell you why Yugo freaked?” I looked up at him hesitantly, and Fuma continued, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world: “Not because you did not tell him about our debut! He would not have forgiven me, then, if that was the case! He was most probably pissed because he was under the impression that you did not think him important enough to tell him!”

“But that’s stupid!” I moaned. “I did not tell him _because_ he was important and I was scared of his reaction!”

“Did you ever tell him that?!” Fuma challenged. My silence seemed enough as an answer for him, and Fuma hit me against my forehead, making me flinch. “Seriously, Kento, _what the heck_?!”

“It’s not like I never made a move!” I murmured defensively. “I told him that I missed him.”

“When?” Fuma raised an eyebrow, and I murmured, in a small voice: “That day when you forced us together again in that café a few months ago. You left, and we…”

“You what?” Fuma murmured, looking as if he was not sure if he wanted to hear it.

“… well, we slept with each other” I ended finally, and Fuma buried his face in his hands in frustration.

“Kento” Fuma said finally, speaking rather as if he was facing a toddler than the leader of his band. “When you want to make Yugo clear that he is more to you than just an affair, you talk to him, and don’t have sex _again_!” When I did not answer right away, Fuma added hesitantly: “Or is he just an affair to you?”

“NO!” I said indignantly. 

“Then what _is_ he to you?” Fuma asked clearly, staring me down so hard that I looked down to my knees again, unable to meet his eyes.

Finally, I voiced: “He’s important. Very important… I… I’m in love with him, okay? Have been all this time, probably, but I just… I never had the courage to tell him.”

“Then tell him now!” Fuma said loudly. “What’s keeping you?!”

Yugo’s face flashed back up in my mind, his eyes full of hate and his words demanding me to stay away from him… 

“I can’t. Not anymore” I murmured, my voice breaking again. “I fucked up.”

Fuma blinked, obviously only now remembering my words from the beginning.

“Kento, what happened?” he repeated again, seeming scared of the answer by now. 

“I…” I whispered, taking a shaky breath. “I just… I don’t know, I saw Yugo with Jesse, and they were flirting around, and I… I just snapped.” Fuma was silent, only staring at me, and I continued, feeling myself trembling again at the memory. “It was like I lost all control over myself. I just dragged him away and started kissing him, and he must have tried to push me off, but I just… I did not even hear his protests. I was so far gone, I…” I broke myself off, biting my lip to keep the tears I felt stinging at the back of my eyes in check. 

It was then, that Fuma’s fist landed in my face. 

I needed a moment, to realize what was happening, but when my brain had managed to catch up with the situation and my hurting cheek, I looked back up at Fuma, who stared at me with wide eyes. 

“… I guess I deserve that” I breathed finally, pushing my face back against my knees, trying desperately to hold more tears back. 

“Seriously, Kento” Fuma repeated, seeming numb. “ _What the heck_?!”

I did not know the answer myself. 

It was then, that Fuma grabbed my wrist, standing up and pulling me to my feet with him. 

“What are you doing?!” I asked in a small voice. 

“We are going to search for Yugo now!” Fuma said firmly, looking at me angrily. “And you are going to be a man and take responsibility and you will _finally_ own up to your feelings!”

“But Yugo said he does not want me to come near him anymore!” I said desperately.

“Do you really think Yugo would have gone through all this shit from you if he did not love you?!” Fuma shouted, his patience with me obviously at an end. “Yugo is no one to search for meaningless fun, he must have been serious with you, even if he never said it out loud! And of course he is hurt by the way you treated him! But damnit, the more it is time for you to stop hiding and fight now!”

“But I don’t think it’s gonna be any use” I murmured.

“So what?!” Fuma shrugged. “I’ve been fighting a useless fight for _months_ now, and have you seen me giving up?! If you love someone, you just need to _do_ something for it! Or do you want to lose Yugo like this?!”

“I think I already lost him a long time ago” I said quietly, and Fuma grabbed my shirt, backing me up against the wall of the toilet stall. 

“You will never know if you don’t try” Fuma groaned. “And I saw Yugos face just a few moments ago, when I bumped into him, and he looked freaked out of his mind, and I’m not going to leave it at that! You are both my friends, and I want you to be happy! So you are going to do something about this. Got it?”

It was all I could do to nod before Fuma let go of me again, turning to leave the bathroom. 

I took a deep breath, before following after him, balling my shaking hands into fists.

_Frozen Sky_


	10. Frozen Sky (3)

Hokuto’s POV

When I turned around the corner of the corridor, seeing someone standing in front of our dressing room door, and recognizing that someone as Fuma, I hated myself a little, for my heart skipping a beat at his sight.

It had been so long, and still, these kind of things never seemed to stop. I wondered if they ever would.

My eyes narrowed a little in annoyance as I watched Fuma, staring at our dressing room door, the lines of his face drawn into a frown. He was just about to move, when I finally spoke up, making him notice me.

“Are you searching for someone?” 

Fuma froze, his eyes going wide even before he turned to face me. He hesitated a moment, before looking up to meet my eyes.

I bit the inside of my cheek, keeping my facial features hard, not showing that everything inside of me seemed to clench the moment I met Fuma’s familiar dark eyes. It had been so long since I had allowed myself to meet them.

Fuma had never been a good actor. It had been something I had always loved about him, the way I could see every emotion and every thought in his eyes, being able to read his face like a book. I still could, I found, seeing Fuma take a shaky breath, trying to grasp for words. 

Seeing how affected he was by my presence made that tiny part of myself that had never forgotten Fuma want to reach out for him again, to hug and ensure him, and lure that smile out that I used to love so much.

When would these kind of things ever stop? It had been almost a year…

 _Don’t love me, don’t touch me_  
闇抜けるまで  
(Until I escape this darkness)

“I just…” Fuma murmured finally, clearing his throat to steady his voice. “Do you know if something happened to Yugo?”

I blinked, Fuma’s words making me snap out of my inner battle. Yugo?

“No” I shook my head, honestly confused. “When he left the photo shoot with Jesse a while ago, everything was fine. Why?”

“I just saw him, and…” Fuma murmured, frowning to himself, seeming obviously worried. “I don’t know, something seemed off.” He looked back up at me uncertainly, as if asking for my help silently.

I threw a glance to our dressing room door as well, no sincerely worried, too.

“Can you just check if he’s alright?” Fuma asked finally, catching my eye again. “Maybe he will tell you what happened, I don’t know, but-“

“Okay, I will check” I nodded immediately. Fight and broken up band aside, there was one thing that had never changed between us – the way we both cared for Yugo. He had been a great friend to both of us, and some things were just more important than hurt feelings and held grudges.

Fuma send me a small smile, and I tried to ignore the way it made my chest squeeze painfully, before he nodded and walked past me. I forced myself not to look after him, but to go immediately for the door of our dressing room, focusing on my task – Yugo.

I yanked the door open, eyes searching for Yugo’s figure. My eyes zoomed in on him the moment I found him, stepping in and letting the door fall closed behind me. 

Yugo sat with his back to me, crouched in on his chair, head lowered into his hands. The moment the door opened, though, he sat straight, shooting a short look towards me through the mirror before standing up, rummaging for his things.

Fuma was right. Something was definitely off. 

Hesitantly, I took a step towards Yugo, frowning at him, watching his restless movements.

“Yugo?” I asked quietly. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure” Yugo just murmured, not stopping to look up at me. 

“You’re sure?” I prodded, still approaching him carefully. “You look pale.”

And he did, now that I got a better look at him. Also, he seemed to be short of breath, and shaky. My first thought was if he was falling sick or something. 

“You’re imagining things” Yugo answered anyways, still not meeting my eyes. He zipped his back shut and grabbed his jacket. It was then, that my eyes fell on his wrists.

They were red and bruised, and his fingers were shaking violently. 

“Well, I have to rush, or-“ Yugo began, but I cut him off by reaching for his arm, my eyes fixed on the bruises. Yugo tried to pull away from my touch as if it burned, but I held onto him, making him protest even harder.

“Hokuto, let go!” he groaned, but I ignored his struggles and met his eyes.

“What is that?!” I demanded, referring to the bruises. “You did not have those half an hour ago. What happened, Yugo?”

“Nothing!” Yugo snapped, before finally managing to free himself of my grip. “Nothing happened, will you now leave me alone?!”

“That does not look like nothing!” I snapped back, my voice growing louder. “Who did that?!”

“No one!” Yugo called, shouldering his bag and pushing past me. “Everything is perfectly fine!”

“Yugo!” I shouted, but he had already pushed through the door, throwing it shut harshly behind him. 

I stared after him, unsure what to do. Because obviously, something was wrong. Very wrong. It was not like Yugo, to become this closed in and passive aggressive. I mean, sure, now that I thought about it, he had never exactly come to me to search advice for any problems he had had, really, but still, reacting like this…

And he could not tell me that those bruises had come from too tight bracelets or any other shit. They had definitely been inflicted by another person. 

I lingered around a little, waiting for Juri and Taiga, asking them if they had noticed anything weird about Yugo. The answers were confused faces and a shake of heads. 

It was when they were gone and I was still hanging around for Shintaro that the door opened. Thinking that it was my cast mate, I looked up to catch his face, freezing in my tracks when I saw Fuma entering, decidedly dragging a lost-looking Nakajima Kento after him. 

Fuma looked around, and when his eyes focused on me, some of the firmness in his expression seemed to disappear, changing to hesitance. Anyways, he did not let go of Nakajima as he asked: “Is Yugo still here?” 

“No, he left” I murmured, tearing my gaze away from Fuma to look at Nakajima. He stared down at the floor, not meeting anyone’s gaze, looking as miserable as I had never seen him before. On his jaw and the corner of his lips, he spotted two bruises. 

It was then, that it made ‘click’. I stood, feeling sudden heat rise inside of me.

“Nakajima” I snapped, making him look up at me slowly. “What did you do?!”

I saw Fuma looking back and forth between me and Nakajima quickly, seeming to sense the danger of the situation. When Nakajima did not answer immediately, Fuma murmured a hasty: “Well, it seems like Kento and Yugo had a little… _fight_ , and-“

“Fight?” Nakajima breathed, letting out a bitter laugh that did not reach his eyes. “Nice paraphrasing for me trying to rape him.”

Fuma scowled at him, and I remembered the bruises on Yugo’s wrists, seeing red, suddenly.

As soon as I had lunged forward, though, reaching out for Nakajima, Fuma had stepped in between us, pushing me backwards as hard as he could. I struggled with him, and Fuma called loudly:” Hokuto, STOP IT! I already punched him once for it, there is no use in beating him senseless!”

“Let him” I heard Nakajima murmur, his voice lifeless, somehow. “It’s not like I don’t deserve it.”

“It does not solve anything, though!” Fuma groaned, finally catching hold of my arm and holding it still. Fuma had always been strong, having had Karate training almost as long as me, but the firmness in his grip still surprised me, making me look up at him.

Our eyes met, and my struggles ceased for a moment. Fuma loosened his grip on me, before saying, a little more calmly now: “Kento and Yugo really need to talk about this.”

“I told you he will not talk to me” Nakajima murmured from behind Fuma, looking almost green in the face. “Look at the way Hokuto reacts! He will never forgive me!”

“I don’t know what happened, but I don’t think he will listen to him, either” I agreed grimly, glaring at Nakajima over Fuma’s shoulder. “I would not.”

“I know _you_ don’t believe in giving second chances!” Fuma snapped, making me look up at him with a frown. His eyes were burning with something, some kind of determination that I had not seen in him since he had closed us inside that tool shed in school right after the summer holidays. “But that still does not mean that nobody deserves an opportunity to explain themselves! Some people do, and I really think Yugo needs to hear what Kento has to say, or both of them will be unhappy, in the end!”

His words made me speechless, and I just stared at him for a few moments, before my eyes moved back to Nakajima, taking a good look at him.

I had not had any contact with him since B.I. Shadow had broken up, blaming him as much for keeping his silence about our band’s break up as Fuma, even if the hurt from Fuma’s actions had outweighed it. Nakajima had also never as much as made a move to talk to me, making me think that maybe, our friendship had never been as deep, after all.

Looking at him now, though, so pale and miserable, made a small part of me wonder if maybe, I had just not been aware that he had had demons of his own to fight. 

I did not know what had happened, but seeing an old friend this broken _did_ hurt a little, if I let myself admit it. 

I looked back to Fuma, and finally, he let go of me, taking a step back. Still keeping my gaze, he said: “I’m going to drive to Yugo’s place now with Kento, and make them talk. Yugo has tried to help me in similar situations more than once, and now, I’m going to return the favor. If you don’t agree with it, stay here, but please don’t get in the way.”

I only continued to stare at him, dumfounded, and Fuma held my eyes a little longer before turning back to Kento, nodding to the door. When Kento did not move, he impatiently grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the door.

Before I knew what I was doing, I called: “WAIT!” 

Both of them froze, looking back at me. I took an unsteady breath again, meeting Fuma’s eyes fleetingly once more, before I murmured: “I’m coming with you.”

Fuma frowned in confusion, but before he could say anything, I murmured: “Yugo is my friend, too, and I want to be there for him. I don’t know what exactly it is that happened, but I feel like I missed a lot of stuff in Yugo’s life already by not paying proper attention, and I guess… Now, I should change that.”

Fuma just stared at me for a moment longer, before nodding.

“Fine” he said. “Then let’s go.”

***

Fuma’s POV

The whole train ride to Yugo’s place, I kept my eyes on Kento, who’s face seemed to be turning progressively paler, making me wonder if he would not run for it the moment I turned my back to him. 

It was not like I could not understand how he was feeling, though. Owning up to your mistakes and your feelings like that was indeed scary, as I could tell by own experience. I myself was hyperly aware of Hokuto’s presence all the way from the agency, feeling his eyes on me every now and then, but I forced myself to focus.

Today, it was not about me and Hokuto. It had been about us way too long, without us even realizing that other problems existed, and now, it was time we finally took care of those. 

When we reached the doorstep of the Kouchis’ house and rang the doorbell, it was Yugo’s mother that opened. Seeing the three of us together at their house again seemed to be a pleasant surprise at least for her.

“Kikuchi-Kun! Matsumura-Kun! Nakajima-Kun! It’s been so long!” she beamed, stepping aside to let us in. “Yugo did not tell me that you would come over! I would have brought cake or something!”

“No, no, that’s not necessary” I said quickly, trying to not look too uncomfortable. “Actually, we came by spontaneously because there is something we need to talk to Yugo about… Is it okay if we go up to his room?”

“Sure” she nodded, not seeming to suspect anything wrong. “He is up, he said he felt a little sleepy and wanted to lie down… You want me to wake him?”

“No, it’s okay, we’ll just knock” I said quickly, afraid that, if he was alerted to our visit beforehand, he would tell his mother to send us away again. 

“Alright, then just go up” she smiled. “You still know where his room is, right?” 

I nodded and smiled back before turning to Kento, urging him with a firm stare to follow. His pale face had turned almost greenish now, but when I turned to climb up the stairs to Yugo’s room, he followed after me wordlessly. Maybe Hokuto’s presence behind him kept him from wiggling out.

When we reached the door to Yugo’s room, my nervousness made even me hesitate a moment before I managed to knock. All three of us were silent¸ just listening in tension until we heard something move inside. Finally, there were footsteps crossing the room, and the door opened.

Yugo was still pale, when his face came into view, but compared to when I had seen him in the agency, he seemed to have calmed down a little. 

At least, until his eyes fell first onto me, then onto Hokuto, and, at last, onto Kento, and stayed there. 

No one said anything for a good 5 seconds, and I caught Hokuto’s gaze hesitantly before speaking up, murmuring: “Yugo, I think… we all need to talk. Maybe you can let us in?”

Yugo did not look up at me, his eyes still fixed on Kento, before he let out an exasperated sigh and turned around, stepping back into the room. I took it as a silent invitation. 

I had to grab Kento’s wrist to make him enter the room, and I felt that he was shaking under my touch, even if, besides his paleness, his face was pretty much unreadable. Hokuto closed the door behind us, and Yugo let himself fall to sit on his bed, looking at us with an expression of suppressed anger like I had never seen on him before. Usually, I knew Yugo as the calm type. 

Now, I could see at least a little where Kento was coming from. 

“So, you wanted to talk?” Yugo asked finally, his gaze hard, looking at me now instead of Kento. “Talk.”

I searched Kento’s gaze again, and felt his hand shaking violently before he finally opened his mouth to speak.

“Listen, Yugo” he murmured, his voice very quiet. “About earlier… I’m really sorry. I-“

“I don’t want to hear anything from you!” Yugo spat, cutting him off. “I’m done with you!”

“Yugo” I sighed, frowning. “I really think you should listen to what he has to say. I-“

“And _I_ really think that this is none of your business!” Yugo snapped at me now, his glare almost lethal. “I don’t know what he told you about us, but if you think this is something only slightly comparable to your situation, you are wrong!”

“Listen, Yugo” Hokuto said finally, surprising me by speaking up. “I have no idea what happened, but I really think you should calm down a little. Fum-“

Hokuto was going to continue speaking, but cut himself off when Yugo suddenly jumped up, calling angrily: “What, _you_ of all people are telling me to calm down?! The one who has been throwing a fuss over practically nothing for a freaking year is telling _me_ to calm down?! Sorry, Hokuto, but you don’t have _any_ right to tell me that!”

 _Don’t kiss me, don’t believe me_  
俺はそこに立つから  
(Until I stand up from there)

Hokuto fell silent, staring at Yugo like he had grown a second head. I also blinked at Yugo in shock, not having any clue about how to deal with my friend in that kind of mood. Kento, if anything, seemed to become even smaller in between us, as if all he wanted was a hole to swallow him right on the spot. 

Hokuto was the one who dared to speak up again first, in the end. 

“Y-Yugo, I just… I…” he stuttered, trying to find words, but Yugo interrupted him again, snapping at him. 

“What? You thought you could help us fix this problem? That if we just talked about this, everything would be fine again?! You know what?!” Yugo pointed to me suddenly, making me freeze. “You have an ex-boyfriend who sincerely loved you all this time, and because of one little mistake, you refused to even listen to him for months! So don’t you dare to tell _me_ what to do, because seriously, you _have no idea_!”

If possible, Hokuto grew almost as pale as Kento at Yugo’s words. Kento’s shaking turned even more violent, but still, he tried to speak up, murmuring a weak: “Yugo, listen, I-“

“NO!” Yugo shouted, turning back to him angrily. “I’m not going to listen to you _ever_ again! I gave you more than enough chances!”

“I know” Kento breathed. “But-“

“No ‘but’s!” Yugo yelled. “I don’t want to hear anything! Out of my room! Now!”

“I-“

“I said NOW!”

“Yugo!” I said reproachfully, trying hard to bring some sanity back into the situation. “Please calm down for a moment and listen to what he has to say!”

“Why should I?!” Yugo groaned, glaring at me again. “Tell me one reason!”

“Because you love him!” I said loudly. I saw Yugo’s jaw clench at my words, but before he could reply anything, I continued: “You can try to fool Kento, but I’ve been friends with you long enough to know that you would have never even let him touch you if you did not have feelings for him! So just listen to those feelings of yours and-“

“You are so naïve, Fuma!” Yugo interrupted me with a groan. “You really think that love is all you need to fix everything, right?! Well, newsflash – that’s not true!” I opened my mouth again to protest, but Yugo continued harshly: “Let’s face it, sometimes, love is not enough! You and Hokuto have not managed to patch things up for a freaking year, even if your problems have been luxury compared to what I’ve been through with this guy. So stop believing in this romantic bullshit of yours and face reality!”

I took a shaky breath, feeling like I had been slapped. 

きっときっと光る阻む空を破れ  
 _(Surely, surely the sky that hinders the light will break)_

There was a moment of silence, before Yugo turned back to Kento.

“I think I asked you to go!” he snapped. 

Kento gulped, before nodding. 

“I’m sorry” he whispered once more, before taking a step back, turning for the door. 

“Kento!” I called after him, but he did not stop, quickly opening the door and disappearing through it. With one pleading look at Yugo, who had already turned his back to the door again, walking back to the bed, I began to hurry after him. 

I did not catch up with Kento until we were back on the street, about a hundred feet from Yugo’s house. 

“KENTO!” I called in frustration, grabbing his shoulder and making him turn towards me. 

I froze when I saw the tears running down Kento’s cheeks. My fingers squeezed down on his shoulder.

“It’s enough, Fuma!” he said finally, his voice shaking. “You heard it, he does not even want to listen to me. And I can’t blame him. I fucked up. So let’s just leave it at that.”

“How can you leave it at that?!” I demanded incredulous. “Do you think you’ll be able to forget him just like this?! To forget that you ever loved him?! Let me tell you, it won’t work! Feelings don’t work like that!”

“I know they don’t!” Kento shouted. “I’ve realized that in the last few months! But what am I supposed to do?! I can’t force myself onto Yugo any more, I already hate myself enough for having done it once!” 

“There is a difference between forcing something and not giving up!” I insisted. “If you just hold onto your feelings, I think that someday, it might work out! You just need to stay honest to yourself!”

“Maybe that works for you!” Kento called. “Maybe you can have that kind of trust, but I can’t!”

幻想  
 _(Illusions)_

I only stared at the way another tear rolled down Kento’s cheeks and wondered if maybe, he and Yugo were right, in the end. If I was really being ridiculous and naïve. 

“Can you please leave me alone?” Kento asked finally, looking up at me. “I need some time.”

I looked down, before nodding and letting go of his shoulder. Kento turned his back to me and walked down the street, into the opposite direction of where we would have needed to go for the train station. I had no idea where he was heading to, and maybe, he did not know either. I just stared after him until he was gone, somehow, feeling more miserable than I had felt in months.

I did not look up until the door of Yugo’s house opened again, and Hokuto stepped out. He, too, seemed unusually troubled. 

Our eyes met, and Hokuto stopped a few feet away from me, keeping my gaze.

“Nakajima is gone?” he asked quietly.

I just nodded. 

There was another moment of silence, before Hokuto surprised me by saying: “Do you have a few minutes? I want to talk to you.”

I froze, my eyes traveling his face, wondering if he was joking. But no – his face seemed serious, and more open than I had seen it in a long time.

Almost as if in a trance, I nodded.

_Frozen Sky_


	11. 君と… Milky Way (1)

Fuma’s POV

I could not remember the last time I had felt this tensed. Maybe it had been even before Hokuto and I had broken up… But as we walked next to each other down the roads towards the train station, I felt my heartbeat racing as hard as it had not in months. 

Well, it had been months since Hokuto had wanted to talk to me, admittedly.

At first, there was silence between us… I waited for Hokuto to speak up, but even though he had been the one to suggest a conversation, he did not seem to want to make any move to initiate it. 

It was only when we were halfway down the block that I finally worked up the nerve to ask: “You wanted to talk?”

Hokuto nodded, biting his lips, looking as if he was fighting for words. What he ended up saying, though, was not quite what I was expecting (or, let’s say, what I had hoped for).

“Can you explain to me what it is that happened between Yugo and Nakajima?” he murmured finally. “I did not understand much of their conversation, and you seem to know more, so…”

My heart sank a little. Of course it was about Yugo and Kento. How could I have hoped that this would be about us?

Yugo was right. I really was naïve.

I cleared my throat, before I started to talk, lunging into a recount of everything Kento had told me, from the start of his involvement with Yugo months ago, to the events around the breakup of B.I. Shadow, to everything what it had amounted into today. 

I expected Hokuto to curse Kento, to blame it all on him and agree with Yugo for keeping his distance now, but when I had finished talking, he was just walking besides me quietly, face thoughtful. 

At last, he murmured with a frown: “I feel really guilty, for never noticing any of this. I mean, all these times when Yugo tried to help _us_ with our problems, all these times Nakajima called us ‘gross’ as a couple-“

“Yeah, I know” I nodded, my chest tightening at the thought of my friends’ feelings. “It makes one feel really thoughtless, right?”

Hokuto did not answer, and it was then that we reached the train station. I had to suppress a sigh, knowing that Hokuto had to part ways with me now, to take a different train home. It was probably irrational, but, even in this awkward atmosphere between us, I was reluctant to part with him again. Even more because once, he was not running from me. 

But I knew that it was unavoidable, so I raised my head to meet his gaze, and murmured: “So, I need to take the JR… I…” Hokuto only stared at me, his face unreadable, and I ran my tongue over my lips in nervousness, adding in a small voice: “It was… nice… talking to you again. Even if the circumstances are… yeah…” I searched his eyes once more. Still, no reaction. “Anyways…” I concluded, resigned. “Bye.”

I turned away to head to the JR gates, when suddenly, I felt warm fingers close around my wrist. I froze, my breath catching. Even though I knew it was Hokuto reaching out to me, something that had not happened ever since our breakup, I did not dare to turn back and meet his eyes. I was scared to even breathe.

“Don’t go” Hokuto brought out finally, his voice choked, as if he had to struggle to keep his emotions in check. “We did not _talk_ yet.”

I could feel my hand trembling. Hokuto’s grip on my wrist tightened in response. 

“I thought you just wanted to know what was going on with Yugo and Kento” I admitted. Damn, even my _voice_ was trembling. 

“No” Hokuto murmured. “I… wanted to talk about us. I mean, if there is still an _‘us’_ … If I have not pushed you away for too long to still talk about it.”

時間の鍵が解けた夜空に _  
(The key of time to the night sky was solved)_

I took in a shaky breath, still unable to turn around. Irrationally, I could feel tears crawling up my throat, making it close up. 

“Fuma?” Hokuto breathed. I still couldn’t bring myself to answer. “Fuma, please-“ He pulled at my arm, at the same time stepping forward to meet me halfway. 

He froze when he was finally facing me, staring at my face. I did not allow myself to meet his eyes, still hoping that I could somehow get away with him not noticing that my eyes were glazed over by held-back tears…

Before I knew it, there was another tug at my arm, and then I found myself in Hokuto’s arms. 

“Ho- Hoku-?” I murmured, but before I could voice the question, he murmured: “I was so focused on my own rage that I barely put any thought in how much you must have suffered. I only really thought about it when Yugo yelled at me earlier, and… Please, let us talk, okay? I think I made some mistakes, too. Maybe we can still fix this, after all.”

あんなに星があふれているよ  
 _(So many stars are overflowing)_

I could not help it; I blinked helplessly, but still, some tears started to spill over. Hokuto noticed, and his arms around me tightened. 

“I’m sorry” he murmured, sounding a little lost. “I really am. Please don’t cry.”

I nodded, trying to take deep breaths, but it was not much of a use. I felt Hokuto’s hand find his way into my hair, the pressure of his fingers slightly pressing my face into the crook of his shoulder and neck, allowing me to cry into it.

I took the offer, my hands clinging to the sides of his jacket desperately as I gave in to my feelings. Hokuto’s hand on my back drew circles against the fabric of my jacket, long and calming ones, and it helped enough so that, after a few minutes, my tremors ebbed off, and I managed to look up and meet his eyes.

“Sorry about that” I whispered, slightly embarrassed. 

“No” Hokuto shook his head. “Don’t be.”

I wiped my eyes, and then, Hokuto’s hand closed around my wrist again.

“Come with me” he murmured. “Let’s talk privately.”

I looked at him, still unable to believe that this was really happening. After months of hoping and always being rejected… Finally, I could bring myself to nod. 

Hokuto smiled softly before taking a step back from me, turning for the station again. His hand stayed on my wrist, tugging me after him.

いま二人はおんなじ光 見てる  
 _(Now the two of us are looking the same light)_

***

Arriving at Hokuto’s house let a strange sense of nostalgia wash over me. It felt almost surreal, to walk here next to him again like this, after months of hoping and suffering… 

When we entered the house, Hokuto had apparently wanted to immediately disappear into the privacy of his room, but had not counted on his mother. She poked her head into the corridor to ask if Hokuto had already had anything for dinner, and when she spotted me, she gave a tiny squeal and was fussing all over me sooner than I could even voice a “Long time no see”. 

Between remarks about my change of appearance (“Where have your chubby cheeks disappeared to, honey? Are you eating enough?”) to congratulations on my debut (apparently, she had been following everything about Sexy Zone she could find), Hokuto sighed in exasperation, calling: “Mum, _please_ , I want to talk to him! Can you leave us alone already?”

“No” his mother said pointedly, glaring at him. “Who knows what you will do and say again when I leave you alone. I’ll just keep Fuma-Kun here and we will pretend the last few months never happened.”

I had to grin, and Hokuto sighed, rolling his eyes.

“You know, you’re supposed to be on _my_ side. _I’m_ your son. If you like Fuma better than me, just go ahead and adopt him.”

“I don’t want him as my son, I want him as my son-in-law!” his mother argued, her grip on my arm tightening a little. “And if you got over your little pig head, you would see that you want that, too!”

“Why do you think I brought him here?!” Hokuto groaned, making his mother fall silent, finally. “If you’d just let me talk to him…”

His mother looked up to me and back to him once, before smiling brightly and letting go of me. 

“Then go ahead, please” she smiled sweetly and made her way back to the kitchen, but not without sending me a whispered: “If he becomes difficult, call me. He is just like his father.”

Hokuto just rolled his eyes when she had turned her back to us, reaching out for my wrist again to lead me back up the stairs to his room.

“How do I deserve such a family?!” he murmured in annoyance, more to himself than to me. 

“I don’t know what you mean. I like your Mum” I smirked. 

“Yeah, because she always teams up with you against me!” he accused, but his frown softened a little when I chuckled. 

When we finally reached his room, though, my smile faded a little. I carefully let my eyes travel along the room that had once been my second home, and now had changed so much, even though it hadn’t, really. It was not like Hokuto had redecorated or anything – the wall color and the furniture were all still the same, nothing rearranged or gotten rid of. But still, a few things were missing, as I could not help but notice…

The pictures of us along his shelves, on the wall or on his bedside table. The little presents that I had made him over the time we had known each other, or everything else that reminded of my existence… It was all gone.

I did not break out of my trance until Hokuto pulled at my wrist again, leading me to sit down with him on his bed. There was a moment of silence, before Hokuto moved his hand from my wrist to the palm of my mine, gently entwining our fingers. I stared at them for a moment, before looking up into Hokuto’s eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak, but I was faster, cutting him off.

“I’m sorry” I said. Hokuto frowned, shaking his head, but I did not let him protest, continuing: “No, please, let me get this out once. You never gave me a real chance to.” Hokuto gulped, before nodding once, waiting. “I’m sorry for keeping quiet about our debut back then” I said quietly, finally speaking out everything that had hunted me for the past few months. “I should have known better. You have always been supportive of me, and even if I was scared of hurting you, that is no excuse for not trusting you. I know I betrayed you, and I regret it each day. I swear I’m never going to lie to you again. If you will just give me another chance” I took a deep breath. “I promise I’ll always be sincere.”

Hokuto just looked at me throughout my flow of words, and when I was done, he nodded once, only a little gesture, but it had so much impact on me that I suddenly felt 10 times lighter. Or maybe, it was just my heart that did.

“Okay” Hokuto said quietly, just to voice it out once more, to not leave any confusion. “Let’s leave it behind and move on.”

名前も持たないあの流れ星  
 _(The shooting star that doesn’t have a name)_

My fingers clung to his desperately, and he smiled, squeezing back comfortingly.

“I have to apologize, too” Hokuto murmured, and when I shook my head to protest, he chuckled: “I let you talk, too, so now it’s my turn.” I fell quiet, biting my lip. 

Hokuto reached out his free hand to brush a strand out of my face, cupping my cheek. 

“I should have known better than to say all these things to you” he said softly. “Accusing you to not care… I did not have any trust in you, either. If I had had any, I would have known that you would have never hurt me on purpose. It’s not only your fault.”

I took a shaky breath, telling myself to not cry again. 

“Also, I’m sorry for showing you the cold shoulder for so long” he almost whispered. “For making you think that I didn’t care anymore. But I still do.”

Hokuto moved closer, almost completely crossing the distance between us to rest his forehead against mine.

僕の気持ちを知っているかな  
 _(Do you know my feelings?)_

“I love you” I breathed, closing my eyes, just taking in his scent and his closeness, my heart beating a thousand miles an hour.

I could hear the smile in Hokuto’s voice when he responded, just as softly: “I never stopped loving you either, Fuma. I just pretended that I had.”

君といたい ほんとさ どんなときも  
 _(I want to be with you, really, at any time)_

And with that, his lips were on mine, sealing our words with the kiss I had longed for what felt like forever. With so much having changed, this still felt the same – the way Hokuto’s lips brushed against mine, and the feelings it evoked… It was just like it had been the first time we had kissed, on that rainy day in Shizuoka. 

過去と未来を繋ぐものが  
 _(Something that connect the past and future)_

When we broke apart again, still catching our breath, Hokuto murmured: “Let’s try this again. Let’s leave the last few months behind and move on, together, like we used to. It might be difficult, but-“

“Yes” I interrupted him, not caring for the problems we could be facing. I would take them all, if I was with Hokuto. “Let’s do that.”

Hokuto smiled before diving back into another kiss, this time deeper, and so sensual that it made my head spin.

僕たちの心にある  
 _(is located in our heart)_

That night was special, different from every other we had had before. It was like we tried to engrave every touch, every kiss, every sliding of skin against each other into our memories. 

We learned everything that we had missed about the other in the last few months physically, exploring every change that happened with curious fingers, making up for lost time. I found a scar on Hokuto’s hips he had apparently archived during an uncoordinated fighting scene at the Bakaleya set, and Hokuto marveled at the six pack I had developed after I had stopped locking myself into my room and crying… 

輝くMilky way 夢を浮かべて  
 _(Shining Milky way, floating dream)_

“Gosh, I missed this” Hokuto moaned lowly when he was buried inside of me again as deeply as he could, connecting us in the most intimate way possible, clinging to me like I was his lifeline. “Next time I try to walk away from you, kick me, or knock me out or something, okay?! Don’t ever let me do that again!”

I chuckled into his neck, too breathless for a real laugh. 

“I will remind you of those words” I murmured, whimpering as Hokuto started to move, apparently not having any patience to let me adjust to him much longer. 

It felt so good, to have Hokuto this close again, that all I could do was hug him close and plant my lips firmly onto his, drowning in the feeling, determined to never let go again.

Ever.  
  
さぁ永遠を探しにゆこう  
 _(Let’s look for eternity)_

When the alarm rang the next morning, I was almost sure that it had been a dream, at first. But then Hokuto moved from next to me, killing the noise from his cell phone, and I realized with a rush of euphoria that it was _his_ alarm, not mine, and that meant—

“Good morning” Hokuto murmured sleepily, his arms finding their way around my waist, pulling my back flush against him. 

この世界でたったひとつ抱きしめた愛を  
 _(The only love to embrace in this world)_

I smiled, closing my eyes again, because fuck school, fuck work, there was nothing more important right now than this moment.

“Good morning” I replied happily, believing, for once, in those words.

そうさ信じて  
 _(Yes I believe in it)_


	12. 君と… Milky Way (2)

Kento’s POV

For more than once this entire day, I had thought about just calling in sick at work, but then again, it was not like there would be any use in that. I had run away long enough. This was what had brought me this whole dilemma in the first place.

So I dragged myself to the Shounen Club filmings of the day, even if I was very well aware that I looked like walking hell – I had not slept a wink last night, crying non-stop and engaging myself in thoughts that scared even my messed up mind a little. 

Because seriously, I had become a person I had never expected to be. I hurt the ones I loved to an extend that was despicable, and I made the people closest to me hate me… 

Maybe, it was better if I just disappeared.

But as soon as the thought had formed in my head, I had already scolded myself for it again. I thought of Fuma, and the way he had honestly tried to help me, not because he owned anything to me, because seriously, I had been more than a shitty friend when he had needed me the most… No, just because he _wanted_ to be there for me. No matter what I had done, he still cared for me, after all. 

So thinking like this was the most unfair thing to do for the friends I had left. 

So I brought myself through the night, and finally, to work. 

I had just planned to sneak myself quickly into the Sexy Zone dressing room without crossing ways with anyone – the little ones would not dare to talk to me anyways once I turned up looking all drained out, and Fuma was the only one I did not actually mind asking. It turned out different, though, when I almost ran into Hokuto and Fuma on the way.

And that in a position that had me stare at them like I was seeing, well, two ghosts making out with each other instead of my friends.

星と星とを線で結んで  
Star and star are connected by a line

It was Hokuto, who looked up at me first, and Fuma needed another moment to register me, seeming embarrassed when he finally did. 

“Kento” he murmured, trying to dig for words, but Hokuto kept him from needing to say anything by murmuring a discreet: “Well, I’ll better be going for my dressing room. I’ll see you later, I guess?”

Fuma nodded, and when Hokuto smiled and ruffled his hair affectionately, he could not help but smile back.

君の微笑み描いてみようか  
I’m trying to draw your smile

It was so much like a scene of a past time zone that I could not help but stare incredulous at them, my eyes on Hokuto’s back as he made his way down the corridor. 

Only then, I looked back at Fuma, who seemed hesitant, watching my face with a frown.

“How are you?” he asked carefully.

“Never mind that now” I shrugged his question off, because there were more pressing matters than my depressions now. “You and Hokuto are back together?! For real?!”

Fuma smiled a little, as if he could not help himself.

“Yeah” he admitted sheepishly. “Yesterday, when you had left, Hokuto wanted to talk to me, and then… Somehow, it amounted into this.” When I only gaped at him, Fuma added with a sigh: “Sorry, for confronting you with it like this, when you yourself…”

“Oh, stop thinking about me for a moment” I interrupted him. “This is great, Fuma, really! I’m really happy for you, you deserve that so much!” 

And it was the truth – after everything Fuma had gone through in the last year, after having to fight so hard for a second chance while I had wasted mine one after another… There was no one who deserved this more than Fuma. 

“Thank you” Fuma smiled sincerely. “I still can’t quite believe it – I feel like I’m going to wake up any moment or something.”  
  
ときめきはね 不思議な力なんだ  
excitement, what a magical power 

Seeing the happiness shine in his eyes made me actually smile a little, too. 

“So there is actually something like justice on this world” I mused with a sigh. “I’m sorry for calling you naïve.”

“No” Fuma frowned, shaking his head, but I added firmly: “No, really. I never gave you as much support as you would have deserved during all this time. You are my best friend, and I just ignored your suffering because I could not deal with my own feelings. That’s not right.”

“Just stop that now” Fuma said decidedly. “I did not even _notice_ that you were suffering until yesterday. So much to best friends. Let’s just say we are even.”

I scoffed at that, and started continuing the way down the corridor to our dressing room.

“But Kento” Fuma said carefully as he walked beside me. “About yesterday…”

“Can we just not talk about it?” I sighed. “I’m trying so hard to keep my composure. Don’t make me seem like an even bigger mess in front of the fans.”

“Let me just say this one thing” Fuma insisted. “You said you cannot have that kind of trust, to just hold onto your feelings and hope that maybe, it will work out someday. But Kento… Please be aware that the other choice is just giving up. And is that really what you want?”

“You know what I want” I murmured, gulping. “But what I want is impossible. I’m not you, and Yugo is not Hokuto.”

“No, Yugo is more forgiving that Hokuto” Fuma said with a slight smile.

“And you are three times a better person than I am. If that’s enough.”

“Stop putting yourself down like that” Fuma murmured unhappily. “Yes, you made mistakes. We all do sometimes. And maybe you even made more mistakes than most of us. But there is a reason as to why Yugo fell in love with you in the first place. There is a reason why you are one of my best friends. You are not a bad person. You just lost your way for a while.”

I felt tears sting at the back of my eyes at Fuma’s words, but tried hard to keep from spilling them. 

“Please don’t give yourself up, Kento” Fuma said finally, putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing down. “You are too good for that. And I still haven’t given up the hope that someday, we can all meet up together again the way we used to, as friends and with smiles on our faces.” 

“You and your hopes” I murmured, and Fuma shrugged, smiling slightly. 

“Did work out the first time. Why shouldn’t it now?”

I kept quiet, feeling no need to state the obvious again and again, and Fuma squeezed my shoulder once more before letting go of me and reaching out for the dressing room door. 

***

Yugo’s POV

I could feel the other Bakaleya guys giving me weird looks across the dressing room, but after I had shrugged Jesse off when he had asked me what had happened yesterday with Kento after he’d left, telling him that I simply did not want to talk about it, no one seemed to dare to ask me what was wrong again.

It was probably obvious that something was off, with the way I did not participate in any of the conversations, and the dark rings under my eyes and the light bruises on my wrists, if noticed by anyone, were probably a telltale as well. 

It was not until Hokuto came in, though, that anyone approached me. The moment I saw Hokuto enter the room, I turned my back to him, busying myself with my bag to avoid any interaction.

Hokuto did not let it scare him off, though – a moment later, he was across the room, leaning against my table, his eyes piercing into my face until I finally looked up with a defeated sigh.

“What?” I asked, almost provocatively, but what Hokuto ended up saying was not at all what I had expected.

“I’m back together with Fuma” he stated simply, and everyone in the room fell quiet and stared at him. Well, it had always been an open secret in the agency that there had been something going on between Hokuto and Fuma, but I don’t think he had ever pointed it out that clearly in front of the other guys. 

The glances I got at their faces through the mirror were almost comedic – Shin stared with his mouth open, Juri had let the glass in his hand drop and was now busying himself with cleaning the mess he created, Jesse’s face was as red as I had never seen it before, and Taiga seemed to look everywhere but at Hokuto, pretending to not have heard what he had just said, though his fiddling seemed too nervous to not give him away.

I could not blame them, though. I knew everything about their past, and even I felt like he had suddenly opened up to me about wanting to resign from the jimusho to become a ballerina.

“What?!” I blurted out.

“I decided that I wasted enough time pouting about things that really didn’t matter, in the end” Hokuto shrugged, smiling a little. “Thank you for opening my eyes.”

I only stared at Hokuto, unsure what to answer to that. Hokuto’s gaze turned serious again before he turned fully to me, his face intend.

“And now let me return the favor.”

Immediately, I turned my gaze away again, my jaw tightening as my eyes fixed on my own hands.

“He loves you” he stated simply, not seeming to care that our whole dressing room was listening. “He might be hopeless at expressing things like these, but he loves you. And he hates himself for what he did to you.”

“Good” I answered bluntly. “Because I hate him, too.”

“No, you don’t, and we both know it” Hokuto pointed out. “And believe me, holding a grudge like this is not as satisfying as you might think it is. You will suffer as well. I did so for almost a year, and now, I finally came to my senses, and saw that it was all for nothing. Here’s my advice: Spare yourself those useless months.”

“I am not you, and Kento is not Fuma” I reminded him idly. “You and we are two completely different pair of shoes.”

“That might be true” Hokuto admitted. “But if you really allowed yourself to look, you will see that Nakajima’s expression when he looks at you is just the same Fuma’s was all the time when he looked at me. So maybe, we’re not so different at all.”

I only bit my lip, not answering, and Hokuto sighed before retreating, beginning to change his clothes. Everyone quickly busied themselves, too – I could only feel Jesse’s look on my face for a little longer.

***

Predictably, Jesse approached me at the first given opportunity, which presented itself when I stepped out to go to the toilet.

“I’m sorry for leaving like that yesterday” he said quickly, catching up with me. “When I saw how you and Nakajima-Kun looked at each other, I thought you needed to talk privately… Maybe it was not such a good idea, after all.”

“It wasn’t your fault” I murmured with a sigh. “You did not know what was going on, after all.”

“Care to tell me about it, at some point?” Jesse asked carefully, and I almost had to smile. 

“Not right now” I shook my head, because I was not keen on talking about it anymore than I already had to. “Maybe at some other point, when it becomes easier, okay?”

“Alright” Jesse gave in with a frown. “Just… when you need someone to talk to, I’m here, okay? Not only Hokuto is your friend, I’m there for you, too.”

It made me smile sincerely, finally looking up at him.

“I know that, idiot” I chuckled. “But thanks, anyways.”

Jesse smiled back, but froze in his tracks when he looked straight ahead, suddenly paling. It seemed an awful lot like the situation yesterday, and really, when I followed his eyes, I was met with those of Nakajima Kento.

It was different than yesterday, admittedly – instead of the heat that had been there in Kento’s gaze yesterday, now all I could find was dark rings under his eyes, and tiredness. And something else, but before I could even begin to decipher what it was, I had already turned back to Jesse, glad that he was not running for it, like he had done yesterday.

“Let’s go” I murmured to him, and Jesse nodded hesitantly before tagging after me.

We passed Kento without another look at him. So it surprised me even more when suddenly, I felt arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly from behind. 

My first instinct was to struggle, pictures from yesterday flashing up in front of my eyes again, but Kento’s choked voice made me freeze. 

“I’m sorry” he murmured, and the tone in his voice was just so different from everything I had heard from him all this time that it caught me off guard. Kento waited for a moment, as if to give me the opportunity to fight him off and walk away, but when I did not react, he continued: “I’m not asking you to forgive me. I would probably not forgive myself, if I were you. I just want you to know that I’m really sorry. Not only for what happened yesterday… But for everything I’ve put you through in the past few months… For pushing you away all these times, when really… You were the one I loved all along.”

My breath caught not only at his words, but also, at the sudden wetness I felt against the skin of my neck. Was he crying? Nakajima Kento, _crying_ , because of me?!

さみしいときは思い出して  
I remember the lonely times

“I’m sorry for never telling you that” Kento continued, and his voice sounded so high and fragile, so unlike him, that it hurt me a little to listen to it. “I’m sorry for only coming out with it now, when it’s too late. It’s just… I wanted you to _know_. For whatever it’s worth.” 

There was another moment of silence in which I was unable to react, and then, Kento let go of me. When I could finally turn around to look after him, he was just disappearing behind a corner, not even waiting for my reaction.  
  
I could not help it – I turned back to Jesse, asking incredulous: “Did he just _cry_?!”

“Yes” Jesse nodded, seeming highly uncomfortable. “I’ve never seen him like this. It’s rare, to show so much emotion for ever-professional Nakajima Kento.”

I nodded, so stunned that I could not help but agreeing. Even if I had known Kento much much longer and better than Jesse, something like this had never happened before. It was not that Kento never cried – he actually cried over ridiculous things like movies and songs and books – but he had never cried over something like this, had never shown this much of himself for others to see. 

It made me feel something that I had sworn myself to never feel again.  
  
めぐり逢えたその意味を  
Their sense was for us to meet again

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Jesse asked hesitantly. “To not go after him?”

I only looked at him helplessly, not knowing the answer myself anymore, suddenly. And it scared me more than anything.

***

My confusion went on until a few minutes before the show was supposed to start – we were sitting in our own dressing room again, and I was decidedly avoiding Hokuto’s gaze, Kento’s words and his voice repeating themselves over and over again in my mind until I just wanted to scream, when suddenly, Sexy Zone’s Sato Shori peaked into our dressing room.

“Hello” he said hesitantly into the round. “Have you seen where A.B.C-Z went off to? They are not in their dressing room…”

“No” Taiga was the one to answer, frowning. “Why?”

Shori made a face, before saying carefully: “We wanted to ask if we could switch performances with them, so that we could come up last… We have… A small problem in our dressing room.”

“What do you mean?” Hokuto frowned, and I was not quite sure if he could sense something was the matter with my behavior or if he thought something might have happened to his boyfriend. “What problem?”

Shori looked down the corridor fleetingly, as if he was not sure if he should answer, before he murmured: “Kento-Kun has a… small… emotional breakdown. Or maybe ‘small’ is an understatement, seeing he has been crying for half an hour.”

Everything tightened inside of me and I could feel Jesse’s eyes on my face, and Hokuto asked a panicked: “What? Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m not quite sure what happened” Shori murmured. “Fuma-Kun is all over him, trying to console him, but it all seems no good, so we are getting worried that he will not be able to regain his composure before we have to go on stage, so…”

Hokuto looked at me pointedly, and when I did not meet his eyes or react in any other way, he got up with an exasperated sigh. 

“If you won’t go, I will” he murmured, taking off for the Sexy Zone dressing room, and I only stared after him until Jesse pulled me up by the arm.

“Go!” he said insistently, and it made Hokuto hold in his movements to look at us. “I have no idea what happened, but holding grudges like this is not like you. And you _heard_ what he said earlier. Just go and talk to him, will you?!”

My fist tightened in my inner battle, and when I still made no move to do anything, Hokuto crossed the distance between us to grab my wrist. 

“I’ll give you the push I would have needed long long ago” he said firmly before he started to walk again, tugging me after him. 

I only heard Jesse move behind us, promising Shori to help him search for A.B.C-Z.

It did not even take us a minute until we had made our way through the corridors to Sexy Zone’s dressing room. The door was opened, and Hokuto halted in the doorway. It gave me a few seconds to take in the situation. 

Matsushima Sou and Marius Yo were sitting on the couch, both staring at their phones as if to discreetly give the other two some space. Kento sat on the other side of the room in a chair, knees hugged to his chest, crying into them. Fuma leaned against the table behind them, his arm around Kento’s shoulders.

Seeing Kento like this, shaking and broken and so unlike himself, hit me so hard that it felt almost like a physical blow. It felt like I needed to take a deep breath to keep standing.

Neither Kento nor Fuma seemed to notice us, only Marius looked up, but seemed at a loss of what to do, just looking at us like the confused puppy he was. 

“I’m sorry” Kento murmured into his knees. “I’ll be fine in a few … minutes, just-“

“You’re not going to be _fine_ ” Fuma frowned. “This is what happens when you keep your feelings bottled up for ages. They will search their way out at some point. Even if their timing is horrible, but…”

Fuma sighed and then, his gaze fell on us, and he froze. Hokuto looked at me pointedly, as if telling me to either leave now or actually _do_ something, and it was then, that Kento looked up, too – he was reaching out for the tissue box on the table when his eyes fell onto me, and he stared. 

Our eyes met, and all the feelings inside of me bubbled up like the inside of a volcano.  
  
輝くMilky way 時の彼方へ  
Shining Milky Way, behind the times

Before I knew it, I had grabbed the pillow from next to Matsushima and had thrown it at Kento. Kento brought up his hands in the last second to shield his face, almost falling off his chair in the process. In the moments he needed to find his balance again, I had already crossed the distance between us, picked up the pillow from the ground again and was hitting him right in the face with it. 

Kento only ducked, but otherwise, did not fight my attacks. Fuma’s hand was reached out to me, but he seemed confused about if he should interfere or not. 

“YOU!” I groaned, hitting again as hard as I could, this time at the top of his head. “How do you _dare_ to show feelings _now_ , of all times, when I am so set on never talking to you again?! All these months, I _begged_ for only a little sign from you, and now, fucking _now_ …”

“I’m sorry” Kento murmured, but I only hit him again with the pillow. 

“I hate you” I continued, and I could feel tears welling up in my own eyes. I hit again. “I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for always doing whatever you want. And I hate you for not even letting me properly hate you. What is your freaking problem?!”

I hit him one last time, before I looked at him, panting. Kento kept his head down, as if not daring to look up. 

There was a moment of silence, before Hokuto spoke up, surprisingly calm.

“So, anyone but me care for a walk?” he said, looking at the clock. “There is still 14 minutes before the show is set to start. Maybe we can see if Shori has finally found A.B.C-Z.”

Everyone murmured in agreeing, and Fuma squeezed my shoulder comfortingly before passing us. I only heard the door close behind us a few seconds later. 

Kento did still not look up at me, and with a sigh, I kneeled down at the floor in front of his chair, staring at him. Still, no movement from him.

“Kento” I said pointedly. “Kento, look at me. I’m not going to hit.”

It took another few seconds before finally, he raised his head. His eyes were still full of tears and he did not quite meet my eyes, making me wonder if he even registered any of my words apart from “I hate you”. 

So I reached out for his face, and Kento flinched and closed his eyes, as if expecting a blow, only slowly opening again when my hand settled on his cheek, making him look at me, at last. 

“Are you serious?” I asked finally, raising an eyebrow. “With everything you said. That you love me. Are you serious about that?”

Kento only nodded. 

“No more games, Kento, or I swear, you’re never gonna see me again” I breathed. “No other girls, no nothing. From nowon, you’re going to be nothing but a hundred percent invested, or I’m gone.”

“Does that mean… you’re giving me another chance?” he asked incredulous.

さぁ幸せを探しにゆこう  
Let’s look for happiness

I sighed, looking down at Kento’s knees.

“I guess it does” I murmured. “Gosh, I’m really weak, ain’t I?”

But when I looked up again, the tears in Kento’s eyes were flowing down again, and my eyes grew wide.

“Hey!” I protested. “That was supposed to stop your tears, not make them worse! Kento!”

But it seemed no use, and when a strangled sob escaped Kento’s lips, I finally gave in and leaned up, putting my arms around him and pulling him closer to me.  
  
この世界でたったひとり大切な人を  
The one precious person in this world

And despite Kento’s tears, or maybe _because_ of them, it felt good to feel him this close again. To hold him in my arms like this, as the mess that he was, when I knew that it was only for me, gave me the one missing puzzle piece that I had always been looking for in our not-yet-relationship. 

It gave us equality. It made me see that I was not the only one feeling something.  
  
そうさ信じて  
Yes I believe in it

And it was what finally gave me the courage to seal the deal by catching his lips with mine again. 

When Hokuto, Fuma and the others returned 10 minutes later, Kento was still a crying mess, but at least, they had found A.B.C-Z.

“You’ve got half an hour more to calm down” Hokuto informed him with a smile. “But I’m afraid I have to take Yugo with me. _We_ have to perform soon, you know.”

Kento threw the pillow on the floor at him, and I cracked a smile, thinking, for once, that it was all going to be okay again.

***

I felt like I was reborn, after that talk with Kento. I could not stop grinning, as Jesse did not miss pointing out at least 5 times during the rest of the day, and suddenly, the world just seemed that tiny bit brighter. 

Funny thing was that it had the total opposite effect on Kento. He actually managed to pull himself together for the performance, but as soon as we were backstage again and I smiled at him and linked our hands, he was back to crying his eyes out.

“You wanted me to show feelings!” Kento accused when I poked fun at him for it. “Now you have to take responsibility!”

But I could imagine worse, really. Even if I liked Kento’s ridiculously bright smile best, just for today, those tears were okay. 

オリオン座の三つの瞬き  
The belt of orion is blinking

I even took my pleasure in fussing over him when we were finally alone in his room, marveling in the fact that he actually let me take care of him. This was new, for us, but I enjoyed every second of it, and was proud of every smile I squeezed out of him with my actions.  
  
君の胸に飾ってみたいよ  
I want to decorate your heart with it

The only thing that seemed to really stop his tears, though, was when I started kissing him. And maybe that should have been clear to me, because this had been the one thing between us that had always worked, the one way of showing affection we had always been best at.

Only even that seemed different now. Kento had always been dominating when it came to our physical contact, but now, he just left the lead to me. It was odd and made me nervous, at first, but after a while, when I noticed how I could squeeze these little whimpers and whispers of my name out of him through my touches, I began to see the perks.  
  
なんでもできる (かならず)  
I can do anything (for sure)

The biggest difference, though, when suddenly, an “I love you, Yugo” slipped from his lips, and I felt it all through my body, and I just needed to kiss him right then and there to not tear up myself.  
  
君のためになら  
If it’s for you

This night was so different in so many ways, and I just loved every second of it. I felt Kento completely anew, saw so many new parts of him that for the first time with him, I could be sure that this was not only physical. Not only sex. 

And it was not only the way he whispered my name or that he loved me. Not only that he let me take him instead the other way around. It was just the whole feeling that was different, in every touch and every kiss. 

“I wished I could take a video of you just like this” I smiled against the skin of Kento’s neck as I thrust into him and made him whimper. “Just to remind you of this moment whenever you start to flirt with other girls again.”

“You can delete every name in my phonebook” Kento moaned. “Whatever you want. Just don’t stop doing this.”

“I’ll take you up on this” I chuckled breathlessly, driving into him again, making him cling to my shoulder desperately before he caught my lips in another deep kiss. 

***

When I woke up the next morning, I was tugged comfortably in Kento’s arms, and could hear his steady heartbeat from where my ear was pressed against his chest. I was too lazy to open my eyes at first, just enjoying the moment, until I realized that Kento was actually awake and typing away on his phone. 

“What are you doing?” I murmured sleepily, and Kento smiled down at me happily.

“Good morning” he said softly, catching my lips with his in a gentle kiss, and I smiled into it, letting him indulge me. 

“What are you doing?” I repeated, nodding to the phone that was still in his hand.

“Writing with Fuma” Kento shrugged. “He and Hokuto keep asking for a B.I. Shadow reunion…”

“Figures” I chuckled, snatching the phone out of his hand and laying it next to us on the bed. “They have to wait until we spent enough quality time as the two of us first.”

“I like the sound of that” Kento smiled, kissing me again. 

“Plus, your phone is confiscated” I pointed out teasingly. “I need to first delete and block all girl’s numbers.”

“Already done” Kento shrugged, and I looked at him with wide eyes. “I needed to do something while I waited for Fuma to answer.”

“You know I was joking when I said that, right?” I checked. 

Kento pursing his lips was enough of an answer, but he shrugged when I laughed. 

“Anyways, I don’t need those anymore, so what” Kento shrugged. 

“Who would have thought that you would become such an obedient boyfriend one day” I chuckled, resting my head against his chest again.

“You have no idea what you created now” Kento joked. “Still, you have to take responsibility.”

“Sure, sure” I chuckled, and laughed when Kento poked my rips.

***

“You two are still gross” Kento pointed out when Fuma fed Hokuto a piece of his bento. “Totally gross.”

“Yugo, I think you’re not satisfying your lover enough” Hokuto complained with his mouth full. “He’s still complaining way too much… Owww!”

“Serves you right” I grumbled, shaking my hand from hitting Hokuto on his forehead and plopping down next to Kento. “Keep your mouth shut.”

“From what I hear from Kento, he is more than satisfied” Fuma murmured airily, munching on his karaage, and both Hokuto and I turned to him and Kento in shock.

“WHAT are you two TALKING about?!”

Kento and Fuma just shrugged, grinning at each other. 

Hokuto groaned, palming his face. 

“They should have never been put in a band names ‘Sexy Zone’” I murmured.

“Fuma used to be such a good boy before” Hokuto agreed. 

“Well Kento was always a perv but at least he kept it to himself.”

“Oi, watch out what you say” Kento glared, throwing one of his napkins at me. I kicked him under the table, making him laugh.

“Admit it, you’re just as gross as us by now” Hokuto chuckled, smirking at us.

“Never in a million years, Matsumura.”

“Yeah, dream on, Nakajima.”

Fuma and I grinned at each other, and somehow, I thought, some things seemed to never change.

And I liked it that way.  
  
この世界でたったひとつ抱きしめた愛を  
The only love to embrace in this world  
そうさ Just only you  
Yeah Just only you


End file.
